Cycle Day 1

Today is cycle day 1. AF took her sweet ass time showing up, 6 days! I missed talking to the nurse today when she called me back but she said she would call me Monday. I'm going to write it down somewhere I can remember to ask if that is normal that it takes 5-6 days for the progesterone to clear my system and AF to show up. So today is CD1.

Since I had to get a CD1 I'm happy it was today. For multiple reasons: 1) I can relax today rather than having to go to work feeling all crampy and stuff and 2) that means cd14 is on a Friday and most likely we can schedule to do our IUI on Saturday or Sunday of Valentine's weekend. I was having a little anxiety about what the heck I was going to tell my boss and co-workers on why I needed to miss another day of work.

The only downside to this is that my mother will be in town that weekend for my future sister-in-law's bridal shower (on the Sunday). So that throws everything out the window about not telling our family anything about timing. Hopefully I can feed her some kind of story about it'll take three weeks before we know, or maybe I should just be honest and tell her that I appreciate her caring and checking in with me but I would rather her not do it and just assume that no news means no news and I'll get with her when I'm ready to talk about it... It will be a delicate conversation that's for sure!

On another note, today I went and visited my friend, who just had her first baby, in the hospital. I am very happy to report that even though I was a little nervous about how I would feel being there I had no twinges of sadness, envy, or any need to have a pity party. I was just simply happy for them and enjoyed holding their daughter, visiting with my friends, and watching them interact with her. If anything it just reaffirmed that this will be all worth it when we finally have success.

I Am OK, I Promise!

So if you could hear the the two phone calls and subsequent voice messages I received from my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law this evening, you would swear that I had another miscarriage. I love them both dearly but I knew they would be calling and sound like this. You know how it goes... I'm so sorry, I don't know how you must be feeling right now, I know this is so hard... etc. I am not making light of this. I know they truly. I didn't answer because I was quite happy enjoying a nice relaxing bubble bath with a new book and I didn't feel like trying to convince yet another person that I AM OK. I'm not going to hurl myself off a cliff, I'm not sobbing in bed with the covers pulled over my head, I am not devastated.

I appreciate all of the kind words and the empathetic responses over the last day or so. I know that I have family and friends who really care about me. But sometimes its frustrating when I tell them I'm ok that I get the look of I don't really believe you.

I think that for the people who have not seen me in the last month it is harder for them to understand. Since the miscarriage in August I have been a mess. I am willing to bet that I was battling some depression. The holidays were rough on me. But over the last month something has changed. I don't know if it is the acupuncture or if it is just time passing, but I can think about the miscarriage and not get angry or sad about where I should be in a pregnancy that I didn't get to have; I can enjoy talking to my friends who are pregnant and hear about what they are going through without starting to think of what I didn't get to have and feel all sad and sorry for myself. I don't feel like I'm getting left behind. I have faith that this will happen for us.

So now that I've gotten all "zen" on you, you have to promise not to roll your eyes at me or think I've lost my mind if I go wonky in a week or so.

Totally Re-Thinking This Sharing Thing

So today has me really re-thinking this whole sharing with the family what's going on. This cycle was the first one that the parents and SIL knew the timing of things and when we would find out. I know they care, but I just hated having to have those conversations and hear how sorry everybody is and how they thought for sure it would work. Yeah me too. I'm kind of over dwelling on it and I'm working really hard on not having a pity party about it. Actually even contemplating telling the fam that we are going to take the next month or so off so that way we're off the hook for giving status updates. For some reason I don't mind telling my friends, maybe its the fact that I can deliver the message through here or via text messages and emails. I don't have to hear the sad disappointed tone in their voices or the attempt at sympathy. Or maybe its the fact that they give me a little space and they wait for me to come to them rather than call me for the update.

Yes it sucks. Yes I agree, its hard to believe that it didn't work. Yes we're going to keep trying (seriously that was a question). Can I please move on with my life now?

I guess I'm just annoyed at the situation - I was super disappointed to get a negative, but when I get a phone call about it I have to relieve the disappointment and discuss how much it sucks over and over again. Its enough to drive a girl crazy! Just get me my clomid and let's move on already!

January results

Big huge fat colossal negative. Guess the boobs hurting like they've never hurt before didn't mean anything, guess the fact that I've been super tired all week didn't mean anything, and I guess the fact that I couldn't stomach the idea of eating hamburgers didn't mean anything either.

I am ok. Part of me suspected this was going to happen, and I think when we do eventually get a big fat positive I will be genuinely shocked.

So I am going to start running again and I'm going to drink myself silly at the Super Bowl party on Sunday. Go Cards!

And now we wait for Aunt Flo to rear her ugly head and make that cd1 call - will it please hurry up!?