One Step Forward One Step Out & Do the Hokey Pokey Dance

So when my darling husband (aka dh) and I started on this journey of trying to have children two years ago we told ourselves that we would not get too worked up if it didn't happen right away and we believed that it would happen when it was meant to happen. So there were a few months where I did charting, and I did ovulation tests, but for the most part we just winged it. I had a pretty good idea of when I was ovulating (and recent tests have proven me correct) and so we tried for the most part to time things and see what happens. Well about 18 months in our "it'll happen when its meant to be" attitude got old. We started seeing more people around us experiencing fertility issues and even more (it seemed) getting exactly what we were wanting. That's what prompted us to start seeing a fertility specialist - to figure out if there was anything wrong and then we could make a decision on what we wanted to do going forward.

After the last two months I feel like I'm stuck in a game of the hokey pokey dance - "put your right foot in, take your right foot out, put your right foot in, take your right foot out". We made a huge step forward when we were actually able to conceive. But if you've been reading my previous posts we took a huge step backwards shortly thereafter.

My biggest agnst (outside of having a miscarriage) has been the waiting for my period again so we can try again. Yesterday I felt like I won the lottery and aunt Flo showed up (Sorry for TMI). So that was my step forward, now here for my (multiple) step backwards: I am going on business travel during d13 through d17. Somehow I don't think we're goign to make anythign work this week. For a few crazy moments I considered a few things:

1. Cancel the trip - I didn't really want to go anyways
2. Bring dh with me - Hey! I have frequent flyer miles so it would only cost $50!

But we wouldn't be able to do any kind of treatment or monitoring if I left. So it took about a day but I've resigned myself to the fact that there won't be any actual trying this month - just fun practicing. I suppose that's a good thing, but I was very much looking forward to trying and hopefully success right away again.

So back to what I originally said - maybe its not supposed to happen just yet - maybe next month (when we have our three year anniversary) will be the right time. Sounds like a good time to me!

Waiting...

So very shortly after my last post things progressed nicely and my hormone levels - specifically hcg - went negative. So now we're just waiting... the doc said that if I had anything resembling a period any sooner than three weeks from last Thursday that it was not what we're looking for... so we're about one week down, two to five to go! I am hoping that its more like the two to three week range that something will happen.
All I can say is that last week and probably in the next month I probably haven't been this happy to get a period since I was in college.
In the meantime I haven't been thinking about everything too much. At this point it almost feels like a bad dream. At first when they said it could take four to six weeks before we could try again I was so frustrated and irritated because I wouldn't be able to try again right away. Now that we're in that time frame I'm starting to think that its a blessing in disguise because for the first time in several months I haven't been thinking constantly about monitoring my body and checking ovulation and temperatures and everything. To be honest its a nice break from the efforts of monitoring baby making signs.
I'm in a much more positive place this week than I have been in the last two or three. I'm hopeful that when we are able to try again that it will happen quickly and when it does we will be much more prepared to handle any issues that might happen and my doctor will be better prepared to react.

Setbacks

Since my last post so much has happened. To stick with my analogy, Christmas came, Santa brought exactly what I was wanting, but then the evil Grinch took it away. Basically we found out that we were pregnant but then two days later I started experiencing some complications and was put on bed rest for four days. I've had about four blood draws in the last week and about twice that number in actual needle sticks (but we're getting better at it!). We found out on Thursday last week that I miscarried. Now, as if going through all of the highs and excitements about finding out the good news and then the roller coaster of good news and bad news wasn't enough... now I just found out that we may have to wait almost two more months before we can even legitimately (ie: my body may cooperate) start trying again. I was under the mistaken impression that everything was gone already due to the fact that it was like my monthly friend came last week (sorry for TMI). But apparently that's not the case. The vampires are going to keep taking my blood on a weekly basis until my hcg (the pregnancy hormone) goes negative. But before that goes negative I'll have a visit from a friend (if you catch my drift, I'm trying to keep from sounding too graphic). Then once I get a negative test about FOUR to SIX WEEKS later I should have a normal period and then we get to try again. Anything before that is very unlikely that we would be successful.

I am grateful now to know that we are physically able to do this. Now the task at hand is trying to be patient and let the days go by without thinking about how much time is being "wasted". I am so ready to do this again and see if we can get this to work again. But now we have to wait probably close to two more months before anything can really happen. The upside is that the doctors have said that just because we were able to do it on our own they are still going to work with us and most likely what will happen is they will do a superovulation round with clomid once I get back to normal. So the project is to get me pregnant again and to keep me that way for a beautiful 9 months.

So here's to being patient, not loosing my mind, and keeping my fingers crossed that we can do that at the very least....