A Year (or Two) in Review

My dh and I married November 2005 and our three year wedding anniversary is soon approaching. But October 2008 marks another anniversary that we won't be celebrating, its our second anniversary of TTC. We tossed the birth control at the beginning of October 2006, completely expecting to get pregnant right away. So much so that I had actually started scoping out OB/GYN's, looking for reviews on Maternity wards at hospitals, and had been taking prenatals for three months prior (cause primary care doc said that there's possibility that could get pregnant right away).

I hadn't really thought about how much time had passed until this past week. I was purusing the various blogs that I stalk and one of the bloggers talked about how she thought when she was first TTC that she couldn't even imagine being one of those women who had been doing this for years or going through the procedures that they were doing. But there she is right in the thick of it. http://murgdan.blogspot.com/2008/10/what-i-know-now.html.

I never thought it was going to take us this long. Initially I wasn't overly worried, and too be honest not even sure if I was ready to have a baby so there were a few months at the beginning that I was kindof relieved that nothing had happened, and also thought that it was probably not working cause the years of taking birth control pills took some time to clear my system. But as the months rolled on I didn't get more concerned but passed it off on our work schedules (dh works M-Th 1pm-midnight so we dont' see each other during the week). We figured that our timing just sucked, and I'm sure there were many months that it sucked completely. But after the first year we started to get "serious". I started using the ovulation pee-on-a-stick tests to figure out when I was ovulating. I'm lucky enough that I have a like clock-work cycle - every 30 days and I ovulate right in the middle of it. Ok... so that didn't seem the problem.... I started pushing for dh to go get tested. He resisted and I didn't feel like pressuring him. We passed the months using our excuses and telling ourselves that it would happen when it was meant to happen. But after awhile you start to wonder why isn't this meant to happen to me yet?

Well at about the year & 1/2 mark my best friend, Nicole, who I started this blog with and her hubby started getting tested and finding out not so great results. That started to get my dh and I thinking that maybe we should get things checked at this point. This was really the tipping point for me, because this was when I had two months in a row where I was truly upset (crying) when I got my period.

That was back in June/July of this year. That is when this blog started. That's when I started to get very sensitive to assinine well meaning comments by other people. That's when I acknowledged that maybe we might have a problem at hand. So far things have come back positive. We did get pregnant the month that I had the HSG test. So that tells us and the doc agrees that something obviously changed that month, even though they didn't show that I had any blockages (I only wished that maybe we had done it sooner). Dh's counts came out pretty decent, he's considered marginal on morphology (9%) but based on my research on the internet that is pretty common, and the doc was not very concerned and told me what the internet had already told me. So at this point I'm grateful that the tests have turned out essentially normal.

What I'm worried about now: We were able to get pregnant on our own back in August but miscarried at six weeks. When we start to try again (within the next two weeks or so once Aunt Flo shows up) I'm very scared that it won't work and I don't know how I'll handle that disappointment.

Its one thing to have never had it work yet when you're just trying on your own and you can make up excuses as to why you didn't time it right, blah, blah blah. But once you get doctors involved or you have had a pregnancy (full term or not) I think its harder to accept each failed cycle. (This is just my opinion on how I'm comparing my experiences so Im sure others may feel differently). Right now just thinking about how I might feel after we do clomid this month and have the docs help us with monitoring ultrasounds to have us time our "relations" exactly right and it doesn't work - scares me to the point where I don't want to try it. I keep telling myself just because we're going to do these things doesn't mean that its guaranteed to work...

Just trying to keep my expectations low... very low... so that when it doesn't work I don't have to fall as far.