Status update

Firstly, I would like to apologize for the pathetic excuse for a title that this post has. I've been feeling less than inspired about how to post our results for December, month 26 in the TTC roller coaster that I'm on.

Tested on Dec. 29th, BFN, even tested Dec. 30th just to be sure and that was a BFN as well. So here we go, yet again.

Dh and I have discussed in length about what we want to do next. I have been having a real mental block about making the leap into truly assisted conception. I guess I was really hoping that since we had that fluke and brief successful conception in July/August that we would be able to do it again. It seems that's not the case. I know its only been two cycles on Clomid and I shouldn't freak out yet because there's still a chance. The problem is that it hasn't just been over a year and we're just starting on with Clomid. Its been just over two years and a miscarriage and I'm having a very hard time accepting that this month didn't work. We timed everything so perfectly. I know - I should know better than to expect it to work right away right? But anyways, we've talked and we've decided that we're probably going to move onto doing IUI this cycle. It isn't covered by our insurance so I'm not sure if it doesn't work the first time if we'll be able to do it a second time right away. We're looking at the range of $800-$1,000, not exactly change we have lying around. But we shall see.

Just wanted to post so in case there was anybody checking this over the last two weeks, I didn't want you to get your hopes up that the reason I had gone silent was because of something good. Just a very uninspired infertile over here.

The Theory of Exercise

Many studies have shown that exercise is proven to reduce stress levels and make you feel better. I never really understood this because generally speaking I have had pretty low stress, well nothing that I haven't been able to cope with by doing a little bitching here and there, and generally speaking I have always felt "good".

With being put on the infertility bandwagon and while watching life around me continue I've become stressed. Extremely stressed and I can't deal with it by bitching. Mostly because nobody I bitch to really gets it, and I don't want to be that girl that constantly bitches. I've also felt like crap - all of the things I've been putting into my body have not done wonders for my overall well being.

I have recently (in the past three months or so) discovered running. I used to hate running, with every fiber of my being - hated running. Now I'm really starting to enjoy it. I think I'm starting to get it. Here's my theory:

People who run are stressed. They run, not because they are "running away", but because running is an extremely taxing activity that nobody in their right mind truly enjoys* and while you're doing it you really can't think about anything else except the things that are happening right in front of you and concentrating on putting one foot in front of another and trying to get through that next minute. Its survivial. When you're trying to survive you don't have time to obsess about anything that is stressing you, whether that's work, family, or trying to create a family, its just you, your feet, and trying to ignore the little voice in your head that's saying "its ok if you stop now".

I could extend that theory to exercise and working out in general. I have been working out with my trainer since May or June(ish). Those three nights a week where I'm getting my ass kicked gives me at least a half hour and then about another 20 minutes afterwards where I'm thinking about nothing but how much my butt hurts or how tired I am. Again surviving. And if you're exercising and you're still feeling stressed - obviously you're not working hard enough because you can still think straight. After a particularly hard work out - I can barely walk and comprehend how to get home, nevermind think about anything important. It goes a little something like this: MUST.GO.HOME... NEED. FOOD.COUCH... NOW.... The last thing on my mind is all my troubles with starting a family and the minor things at work. Its fantastically freeing.

So that's my theory for today. The reason why we sadistically torture ourselves with things like running is because it makes us feel better. And the reason why it makes us feel better is because it returns us to the very core of ourselves where nothing else matters except the most basic things.

Surviving an exercise routine is saving my mind.




*refer to my first sentence of this paragraph - people who run are stressed and hence aren't fully in their right minds anyways.

TV Show Producers have Baby Brain too!

Last night I had some time to sit down and catch up on some of my tv shows that I've got recorded on my DVR (Tivo essentially). Apparently what ever is in the water is not just restricted to real life. The baby water is in tv land too! Brothers & Sisters - trying to adopt because of not able to get pregnant from fertility treatments (ongoing storyline for about a year so not new), but introduced a new crisis when it was revealed that one of the brother's donated his sperm to use so his other brother and wife could have a baby since the bro had busted sperm... ok... then Private Practice - has babies all over the place due to the main character being a double board certified prenatal surgeon, blah, blah... but just watched an episode where a couple couldn't get pregnant so were trying to adopt along with another lady who wanted invitro done so she could have a baby. And then - just to top it off, Lipstick Jungle - one of the characters is doing fertility treatments because she wants to freeze her eggs so she has options in the future.



While the overarching theme of babies in all tv shows lately doesn't really bother me to watch, it does make me wonder what the heck is going on. Would I notice this commonality if this wasn't such a topic du jour for me? Now the odds that if you are reading this blog you probably have baby brain too... but if for some reason out there you don't - have you noticed this too? Maybe its just the types of shows I watch. Just waiting for Heroes to have some baby drama pop up - I'm waaaay behind on that one so I have three prospective episodes where this could be very likely!



Has anybody noticed this trend??

TWW

Now officially into the two week wait. I found myself today overanalyzing some tugs and pains that were probably just related to my not so healthy diet that I've been on for the last few days. (cupcake for breakfast, etc). But I found myself in the back of my mind wondering what they were. We had our trigger shot on Saturday morning and I had a positve opk that morning as well. The strange thing though is that I haven't felt anything close to the ovulation pain that I felt last time. Last time I thought my ovary was exploding and I was completely miserable for hours. This time... had a pain that woke me up at about 3 am Monday morning but that didn't last very long and since then there's been nothing much. Had a little discomfort, if you could even describe it as that, today which got me thinking and searching google. I wish there was a firm way to determine when I ovulated. We didn't follow doctor's orders to a point this time. We were told to do it Sunday and Monday. Instead we did it Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Last time we did it on the prescribed days but it was clearly after when I had ovulated. I so hope we didn't screw it up again this time.

There's not much we can do about it anymore. We'll just have to wait and see. Test day is scheduled for 12/29. Hopefully I can keep myself relatively distracted until then.

Infertility Diaries

In one of my posts I mentioned this blog that I keep reading that is on Redbook.com. Its called the Infertility Diaries. The authors have been individuals who are dealing with infertility and is a way for them to share their experience and for others to find support in their own infertility situation. I started following the blog back in May/June timeframe. There were two other authors who had just gotten pregnant. They continued to blog through their first trimester. I didn't have a problem with any of the posts because alot of it was still related to being an infertile who had just gotten pregnant. They blogged about the concerns and the issues that they were still confronting. But once they reached the end of the first trimester they stopped blogging.

Over the last two months or so there has been a new blogger. She has been trying officially since January 2008. She was able to get pregnant on her second round of IUI, with twins nonetheless! That is fantastic and its great news for her. There's some controversy going on with the readers right now. The writer has been blogging about her pregnancy symptoms, how she's getting morning sickness, and her boobs are acting funky, etc. A reader posted a comment that basically said I'm an infertile and your blogging is making me sad. In response the blogger wrote I'm sorry that I'm making you sad, I'm going to be blogging through the first trimester so if my normal posts bother you so much you should only read on Wednesdays when I have posts from a doctor answering your questions... and here's some other infertility blogs you can follow. (I'm heavily summarizing here....)

I have some mixed feelings about what's being posted. I have no problem with her continuing to blog but I am in agreement that I don't visit the Infertility Diaries to read about somebody's pregnancy symptoms which just reminds me that I am not lucky enough to have experienced those yet. I do have a problem with the fact that she works for Redbook.com and she posted the response that I mentioned above. I think the fact that she works for the magazine puts an added responsibility to how she is writing - she's getting paid to do this while the other bloggers were not part of the magazine publishing world. I also think a big issue with alot of the readers is they just don't identify with her. Many of us have been struggling to become pregnant for well over a year. Myself its been since Oct 2006, so 2 years, 2 months... I think readers are having a hard time identifying with her due to the short length of trying and the quick success.

I've got the link to the blog on here under my list of blogs that I follow. I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on what is going on with the blog.

Doc visit

Had my doctor's visit this morning for a mid-cycle ultrasound to see what was cooking. My ovaries are obviously not super responsive to clomid as I yet again have only one mature follicle. This time its bigger than before though - 26mm. Got my shot again this morning - I think I could do it myself now b/c that sucker doesn't hurt at all. Slight pin prick from the needle but then nothing. So that's an up thing b/c if this cycle doesn't work we're most likely going to move onto something injectible with IUI. I'm a little bummed that I won't get to test until the 27th though. Was hoping that we could have timed it that I should be testing over the weekend and then test early on the 25th. But hey can't be too picky right?

I know I have a wonderful dh, but last night that was reconfirmed b/c when I got home from work he had it all planned out to make me dinner, he bought me two dozen!! red and white roses and had them in our bedroom. Totally made things all romantic. I'm really happy that our target "doing it" dates are over a weekend - maybe then we can actually enjoy things rather than running home on lunch breaks.

I'm a little confused

So I follow this awfully written blog on Redbook.com, the Infertility Diaries. Which ironically current has a pregnant woman blogging. I mean don't get me wrong - good for her, and isn't that the ultimate goal for all of us? But once you get pregnant on "The Infertility Diaries", in my opinion - you're done. I don't care about your morning sickness or the fact that you got twins off of clomid and IUI.

But I digress....

So on this silly blog/website that I for some reason am drawn to check even though every time I do I can't believe this lady works for a magazine... sorry... need to focus.... on this website she does this thing where women can post their infertility questions and she has her RE doctor friend answer the questions. I asked a question about the effectiveness of clomid and whether it was worth it to do another cycle or if we should just move onto IUI. The reason I ask this question is because with our first cycle we only got one follicle and I was under the impression that clomid=more follicles.
Apparently that's not the case.
The answer I got back was this:

Most cycles of Clomid produce one egg; some two, and more than that is less frequent. Even one Clomid follicle can improve your chances by making your timing more accurate and improving your progesterone level.

W.T.F?

Let me review really quickly... from what I can tell ovulation is not my issue. But I seem to be on a drug that is for ovulation. Something is wrong with this picture... I'm guessing that this is the best way for them to monitor my cycle and for us to time things really well, but to be honest I think we could probably do that without the drugs that make me a crazylady. *sigh*

Well at least I know now that there really isn't much to be disappointed when only one follicle develops - now I know that's normal. Would have been good to know that earlier...

Which brings me back to the Infertility Diaries... she got five follicles - how does that work?? All the women I know who have used clomid (which granted is not alot, only four) have only gotten one follicle and a bunch of craziness as a result. Is there any real people out there who have had better results?

About the last few days....

I have to say that the last few days have not been good. Not for any particular reason, and not because anything newly bad happened. I am blaming the clomid. I took my last dose on Sunday so apparently five days of dosage really kicks up the amp on the side effects. I've been up and down on an emotional rollercoaster for two days now. I finally clued into it yesterday afternoon when I started paying attention to my moods and what could possibly be causing me to be so completely in the dumps and then to be perfectly happy a few hours later. Not cool, not cool at all. So I have to apologize for yesterdays post - it came out of a place of where I was feeling very very low and I have to believe that most of that low came from chemicals that were capitalizing on some fringe feelings. I am very happy to say that today I have yet to swing into crazytown. So if you were worried please be assured I have regained sanity! I have high hopes that it will stay that way, at least for a few days. :)

On another note - as I was walking back from the bathroom this morning with my negative opk in hand it struck me as bizarre/intersting/funny at the things that need to be done that I never thought was part of the baby making process. I mean really... its come to this: blocking off time in my work calendar so I can run home and do a little mattress mambo with dh, and looking through my calendar for the rest of the week to make sure I had the time blocked off; and then hanging out in a bathroom stall for 3-4 minutes while I wait for the stick I just peed on (ovulation predictor) to tell me what I already know.

(I have to do opk's this week until Saturday when we go in for our mid-cycle ultrasound. Since I have to take the test between 9-10am I figured, well I guess I'll just bring the whole box into work and leave it in my desk. Of all the personal items I keep in my desk, I never thought opk's would be one of them.)

No wonder women who don't have to try hard think infertiles are a little wackadoo. The obsessions with peeing on a stick at various times of the month and analyzing every single cramp and gas bubble along with the drugs that make you think you're loosing your mind anyways, I would think I'm a little wackadoo myself. Just have to keep reminding myself that it is all worth it and it will be good memories once its all over.

Words I Currently Hate

Pregnant
Pregnancy
Maternity
Baby
Due Date

I think you get the drift. Maybe I'm just tired from not sleeping very well, but most likely I think I'm just starting to feel the stress of being infertile. I have so many people around me who are so supportive and willing to listen to me, but I feel incredibly alone in this situation. I'm just having a bad day - but I just feel lately like "why bother? its not going to work anyways". I kind of want to go back to not doing the drugs or the timing. I was alot less stressed and alot less worried about all of this then.

Baby Boom?

Is it just me or does it seem that everybody is pregnant, working on getting pregnant, or just recently had a baby. Maybe its because the subject is perpetually in the back of my mind, but I swear in the last year there are way more pregnant women around me than there were when we first started trying two years ago. I know about 10 women who are pregnant or just recently gave birth. Everywhere I look on facebook or myspace there's photos of 8wk ultrasounds being posted. Its enough to drive somebody a little off the cliff!

No Fun For You (next weekend)!

So last night was um, disasterous. Thankfully next weekend is the weekend I will need dh fully responsive and in control of his senses. Last night that was definitely not the case. We went out with two of our fellow infertile couples (one of whom is prego due to successful IVF) to the last ASU football game for the year. Obviously the guys had some pent up frustrations that needed to get worked out. And they definitely worked it out through the consumption of large amounts of alcohol. My dh was completely not functioning last night and was pretty much useless all day today.

I had to initiate a little chat with dh about not doing this again next weekend. We have our appointment to do the midcycle ultrasound on Saturday (13th). That'll be cd14 and if things go like they did last time I will probably get my trigger shot that day. We are having a birthday party for dh/holiday party that night. So you see the potential for conflict right? Thankfully Dh has put together a plan and we're goign to try and stick to that and make things as romantic as possible. The part that I'm really happy about (as long as things go our way) is that we'll be doing stuff over a weekend and then maybe on Monday too. dh is working a day shift on Monday so that works out fantastic! If timing was the issue last month and that's what we're currently blaming, we have really high hopes that we'll be able to negate that factor.

So I feel slightly bad about laying down the law on dh's ability to have a great time at his party, but I think he understands that taking these hormones are not a whole lot of fun and there are more important things in life than drinking a ton. He'll have plenty of other nights to do it, right?

Feeling a little apathetic lately

Strangely enough once I talked to the docs on Monday/Tuesday I've kindof lost alot of my interest in anything TTC. Don't really have much to blog about... not really interested in reading the posts on the discussion board that I've been writing on... just not feeling very obsessive at all. Its a wierd feeling. I thought that I would be just as if not more obsessive since this is the second cycle and the first cycle didn't work. But nope.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm hopeful and all that jazz, but just not excited. Maybe its because of the disappointment that this last cycle didn't work. Maybe that was just a really big reality check. There is a very real possibility that this could take us awhile to do. Just because we've got two years under our belts doesn't mean that this won't take longer. Unfortunately its just going to be a wait and see what happens.

I suppose part of it is that what we're doing is nothing new, its the same dance as last time. Part of me is ok with that and hopeful that we'll get better results in terms of follicle counts and part of me is doubtful that we're going to get anything different. I know I should be positive but I find myself slipping more towards being realistic about this really working.

And Again

CD 3. Starting clomid again tonight for the next 5 days. We're doing the same thing as last month. Although I've been purusing the internet (what's new right?) and I found some rather interesting information. One is that one of the side effects of clomid is that it causes cervical mucus (sorry if this is TMI for you) to dry up. Well as we all know (don't we?) that cervical mucus(CM) is vital to the ability of the swimmers to make their journey to the promised land. If its not there they have nothing to swim in. *are you following what I'm saying?*

Basically if there isn't any CM to swim in its kind of a moot point of how many follicles get created, especially when you're doing it our way which is the old fashioned way. So along with this information I've found alot of information about women who take Mucinex during their cycle in order to boost the quality of CM.

I'm thinking that this may be something I might try. I haven't exactly cleared it with the docs, but I've determined that its ok to take if you're TTC. Hey - I want all the advantages I can get here! If things don't work for us this time round we're looking at moving to greater levels of assistance which in turn means greater costs (not the max of course) that the insurance doesn't cover.