Coming Out of Hiding

I am a bad bad blogger - I've been AWOL for the last 5 weeks or so. I just didn't know what to do! We have good news though, on February 25th we got a BFP!!! First two betas were at 46 and then 156. We've had two ultrasounds so far, one at 6w3d and another just this past week at 8w5d. Everything has been going along pretty smoothly. I haven't been experiencing any morning sickness (thank goodness!), but lately in the last two weeks I have had extreme hunger!



So I would like to apologize for not sharing the news sooner. We just really wanted to keep things under wraps for a little while longer until we had at least two ultrasounds under our belt. I probably would have waited another week or two but my husband was really enjoying himself this weekend at a wedding and in his exuberance he decided to post on facebook that he was going to be a dad. So the cat is out of the bag ...



I've started another blog where I'm going to be posting about how things are moving along with the little berry (even though its now the size of a grape apparently). I hope you'll stop by and visit me there too.

http://jakemerfamily.blogspot.com/?zx=3acdb316d9bb8574

Angry South Pole Elf

I was an angry angry south pole elf today. I don't know what crawled up my yoohoo and died but I was in a pissy ass mood today and nobody was going to say anything that was going to make me feel better...

Test day is still three days away. Haven't had any real noticeable symptoms that might give a clue as to what's going on. Had some cramps last week... a few this week (but that's been done before); and other than this moodiness today I feel fine.

Thankfully I felt better as soon as I got home from work. I think work is starting to stress me - I find that I have a shorter temper with the idiotic things that my coworkers sometimes do and then I have to go and fix it. The problem is that I don't express my frustration with them to them directly... I bottle it all up and then rant and rave in the privacy of my office. *sigh* I need to find a healthier outlet.

And It Gets Better!

My sister-in-law is pregnant... of course she is... why not right?

Another Rant About How Completely Unfair and BS this whole TTC thing is

Its been said time and time again on any infertility blog and I know I've said it many times on mine - This is not fair!

On Sunday we found out a friend of my husband's and his wife are pregnant... 7 weeks in fact... I'm happy for them, that's great news, but here's the kicker... They went off the pill in JANUARY.

*Silence*

Yup January... WTF??? And not only that she's a little off her rocker (actually diagnosed as off her rocker and has to take meds and that's not fun but I think that stuff messes with your fertility (in theory))... has done drugs... and they were going to split up like four or five months ago.

On Saturday my very well intentioned MIL said something about trusting in God... blah blah blah... I stopped listening right around that time and everything happens for a reason. Which, as a sidebar, I couldn't believe I was hearing from her because she experienced infertility and miscarriages herself.

Well with the news on Sunday I just don't know about this whole "Everything happens for a reason, trust in God" theory. It is a little shaky. I would like somebody to tell me what the reason is that after a year and 1/2 of trying we got pregnant but had a miscarriage. What is that supposed to teach me? What is another 9 months of TTC unsuccessfully supposed to to teach me? What is the reason for this? When there's a crackhead somewhere who is pregnant, continues to do drugs and is probably going to lose her kid to social services because her drug use and that kid is going to have probably a sucky ass life in the foster care system.

It makes me sad and pissed off.

On related news we have five more sleeps until official test day. I'm really proud of myself - I have not bought any poas tests and really haven't had a urge to buy... probably because I really can't handle that kind of disappointment in the middle of the week. If things don't work out, let me just say that this weekend is going to be ugly. I've already warned dh to have ice cream on hand and that I won't be presentable in public.

In Today's News

This was the article that I read in today's news:

http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2009/02/19/20090219embryomixup19-ON.html

I'm going to go out on a limb here and express my opinion. If you don't agree with me, I respect that, but this is my feeling on the topic.

First of all, it is horrible that a fertility clinic screwed up their procedures and the woman was implanted with the wrong fertilized egg. Horrible. To me that's pretty much just as bad as sending the wrong baby home with the wrong family after its born.

HOWEVER

I completely disagree with her choice to abort the pregnancy. Are you kidding me??? I don't think I would be able to do that. Granted you never know how you'll react once you're in the situation. My initial, knee-jerk reaction was how could you abort a pregnancy that you worked so hard to get? Just knowing all the frustration and grief and heartache that comes with infertility and "fertility" treatments I don't know if I would be able to do what she did. I think I would definitely be pissed about the mistake that was made but I would continue the pregnancy.

Of course what the article doesn't say was how far into her pregnancy she was. For all we know she could have been only 6 weeks in. I guess maybe then I can lean more towards that way. Who knows...

I had to say something about this - it just blew my mind.

And So We Wait... Again...

The weekend was relatively uneventful given that we did our insemination Saturday morning. We are really limiting in telling people about what's going on. Of course I can't control who reads the blog... but as long as nobody gets in my face about "did it work did it not?" in two weeks from now I'm ok with people knowing.

Now we're in the two week wait... I'm feeling positive about what we did this weekend. I'm hoping that by feeling this way I'm not jinxing myself.

So Easy!

Trigger shot was no big deal. Dh did an awesome job - it didn't hurt at all! Its a little red in the spot where he did the injection but there's no welt, no pain, and no bruise! He did better than the nurses at my last appointment!

Just wanted to let ya'll know I survived (in case you were wondering). It was a complete non-event and the only after effects was due to having to do the shot at midnight and I had to wake up at 5:30 this morning.

Sitting and Waiting

Because I'm bored and I am trying to find things to do to keep me occupied for the next two hours, I thought I'd post. Trigger countdown time is on - we are T-minus 2 hours and 4 minutes at this moment. Dh has promised to leave work early so he can be home before midnight. I would much prefer for him to give me this shot rather than do it myself, but at the very least I want him here for moral support. Thankfully, bless his heart, when I asked him to be home tonight he said of course and that he wants to be here and be a part of doing this.

I am ready for ovulation to happen - I'm definitely not comfortable and haven't been for most of the evening.

I'm a little bit hopeful

I'm feeling a little bit hopeful, a few parts numb, and largely very nervous. As you know (if you are a loyal reader) today was midcycle ultrasound day. Whooo! Another visit with the vag cam. Good times right?

I've been feeling a little uncomfortable for the last day or so in the lower abdominal region and I personally think more puffy than usual. Today's scan definitely confirmed why I feel that way. Picture this - laying on the table, I've got two nurses egg hunting in my insides. I'm getting pretty good at understanding what they're seeing on the ultrasound. Big black blobs = follicle = good! So first glance at the right side there's three... oh wait... there's four... um... five, six??? I'm getting a little nervous at this point because I know there's a point where they cut off and will cancel a cycle. And the sizes all sortof look the same (16-18mm). Then they shifted to the left side and found two more over there!

So I'm a little excited at this point, good excited because I definitely responded to the clomid (guess it needed to build up in my system??) but bad excited because I'm a little scared of what this could all mean.

Thankfully we are not cancelling the cycle. Once they were all done Easter Egg hunting in my ovaries they calculated out the current size and what they will go to if we trigger tomorrow. It looks like we will have six (gulp!) mature follicles to work with. I'm triggering tomorrow at midnight (bleh!) and then we're scheduled for the FSP (IUI) on Saturday morning.

I know this still doesn't mean that anything will work at all, but I will admit I am very very nervous about the possibilities (the multiples part, not that we could get pregnant part - that is the goal after all!). I think that we will get lucky if we have one out of this pile just because there doesn't seem to be a real strong magnet between my eggs and dh's swimmers up to this point.

Provided I don't surge tomorrow it looks like we'll have a pretty well timed FSP happening.

Like I said - I'm feeling a little mixed - excited but kindof scared at the same time. Is that normal/ok?

This Should Not Be THAT Difficult!

I know what you're thinking - this is going to be another whinefest, feel sorry for myself post. I would like to change it up a bit and say no. It is still a bit of a whinefest but not about infertility.

Today's whinefest is about technology and the internet. For the last three weeks dh and I have been experiencing extreme technical difficulties at home. Our computer completely froze out and then we found out that the hard drive had basically melted down on itself... so we had to send it back in to get a new hard drive (thank god we bought the warranty!). So dh is freaking out because he has an online class that he's doing for his bachelor's degree.

I mean, seriously, get a grip right? I have MUCH MUCH bigger problems here! In lacking a computer I can't get on the internet.

HUGE PROBLEM! If I can't get on the internet I can't check the blogs I follow and I can't google what the heck does every twinge or bubble mean! Ack! I sit in front of a computer for the majority of my day but I do like to exercise a little restraint in googling stuff at work... at least when it comes to infertility stuff... big brother is always watching ya know?

Well we finally got the computer back but now the stupid internet isn't working. Umm... ok what gives? Of course dh is looking at me to fix it because he's dreamed up some idea that he thinks I'm a computer expert because I'm able to hide things on the computer and track his activities on the web (I don't really care anymore but there was a time when I did). So... I am not a computer expert, I just know how to work Windows fairly well.

I just want the internet to work. We have a wireless router that allows us to use our laptop anywhere in the house. Ever since we got our computer back I've been getting errors that there's no internet. Power is on... hellloOOO??

Anyways had to vent because I was ready to throw the computer into the wall until I decided to try and connect to the internet The Old Way. Using a LAN cable... yeah I know it was genius! So now I have the internet but I'm chained to the desk. Ugh - I don't have the energy for this tonight. I'll have to leave this to tackle for the weekend.

Getting back on topic of this blog - cd12 is tomorrow and I convinced the nurses to let me come in for my mid-cycle ultrasound on cd12 since I've been getting positive opk's. Wish us luck! (I am predicting follicles in my left ovary - it has been quite uncomfortable for the last two days... I do the guessing to amuse myself and see if I can guess what's going on in there).

10 fertility rules every woman needs to know

This is one of the sub-tag lines on the front of this week's OK Weekly. Yes occasionally I puruse the trashy gossip mags. Generally speaking I quickly leaf through and look at pictures while waiting for the incredibly slow people in front of me to get finished checking out. But this weekend, that title called to me. Of course the main page is that Angelina Jolie has fertility fears and has a new baby diet so she can have a 7th child... ugh... don't get me started...

So I bought the mag since I had to see if there were any new secrets to fertility that I hadn't yet uncovered. So here it is:

1. Take prenatal vitamins, including folic acid. Check! Been doing this for the last three years (started them before I went off the pill since doc said its possible to get pregnant right away and you want to have folic acid in your system right away). Its not helping me get pregnant, but my nails and hair have been great!

2. Eat iron-rich food, like spinach. Well... I've been a little remiss in this category. Adding spinach to grocery list (and finding out what other iron-rich food is out there so I don't have to eat it).

3. Drink no more than one glass of alcohol per day. Say what??? I am a super overachiever here. I barely have two glasses of alcohol per month at this point. Maybe that's the problem, I'm not getting a daily buzz... this warrants looking into.

4. Limit your caffeine intake to one cup of coffee per day. Again, overachieving in this category too. I've switched to drinking Fresca and Sprite to cut down on my caffeine. I don't drink coffee at all, but do indulge in the occasionally Mountain Dew. I guess I don't have to feel guilty about that anymore.

5. Avoid refined carbs if you're at risk for getting diabetes in pregnancy. I have no idea if I'm at risk so I'm going to avoid even trying to figure out what refined carbs are.

6. Nosh on green, leafy vegetables, rich in folic acid and vitamins. So because I have been taking prenatals for forever - do I have to?

7. Consume full-fat dairy foods. No problem here - I love my milk, cheese and all other dairy products!

8. Don't eat too much seafood because of mercury concerns. Salmon, however, is rich in omega-3s and is known to have lower mercury levels than most fish. Being that the majority of my diet consists of yogurt in AM, frozen meal at lunch, and cereal at night (I'm home alone so I don't like to cook); I don't think I have to really worry about this.

9. Don't follow fad diets. No problemo!

10. Your partner should limit his alcohol intake, as it can lower a man's sperm count. Ahhh, thank you for that final word of wisdom. Unfortunately in my case the sperm count is not the issue - we have some morphology problems - any fixes for that??

So there you have it - OK Weekly's 10 fertility tips... I am a little underwhelmed. I guess it was a little too much to expect something earth shattering from a gossip mag.

Wants

I don't want to do this anymore

I don't want to be hypersensitive to every single sensation that happens in my abdominal area

I don't want to be able to say off the top of my head exactly where I am in my cycle

I don't want to have to chart out my next two months to try and estimate what my cycle MIGHT look like so I can travel for some career development opportunities

I don't want to have be in limbo with my life anymore

I want to be able to have a beer at happy hour and not worry if I'm screwing something up

I don't want to do acupuncture anymore. The novelty is gone and now its just yet another medical appointment to go to.

I don't want people's pity anymore

I don't want for others to think I'm a hormonal mess

I don't want to spend loads of money that we don't have on cycles that only have a 15% chance of working. I can't let go of the fact that 15% chance of working means that there is a whopping 85% chance of it not working. If this were Vegas, I wouldn't be playing $500 hands for each round of play.

BUT....

I don't want it to be just me and my husband for the rest of our lives. I want to enjoy all the things that come with raising children.


So what the heck am I supposed to do?

Cycle Day 1

Today is cycle day 1. AF took her sweet ass time showing up, 6 days! I missed talking to the nurse today when she called me back but she said she would call me Monday. I'm going to write it down somewhere I can remember to ask if that is normal that it takes 5-6 days for the progesterone to clear my system and AF to show up. So today is CD1.

Since I had to get a CD1 I'm happy it was today. For multiple reasons: 1) I can relax today rather than having to go to work feeling all crampy and stuff and 2) that means cd14 is on a Friday and most likely we can schedule to do our IUI on Saturday or Sunday of Valentine's weekend. I was having a little anxiety about what the heck I was going to tell my boss and co-workers on why I needed to miss another day of work.

The only downside to this is that my mother will be in town that weekend for my future sister-in-law's bridal shower (on the Sunday). So that throws everything out the window about not telling our family anything about timing. Hopefully I can feed her some kind of story about it'll take three weeks before we know, or maybe I should just be honest and tell her that I appreciate her caring and checking in with me but I would rather her not do it and just assume that no news means no news and I'll get with her when I'm ready to talk about it... It will be a delicate conversation that's for sure!

On another note, today I went and visited my friend, who just had her first baby, in the hospital. I am very happy to report that even though I was a little nervous about how I would feel being there I had no twinges of sadness, envy, or any need to have a pity party. I was just simply happy for them and enjoyed holding their daughter, visiting with my friends, and watching them interact with her. If anything it just reaffirmed that this will be all worth it when we finally have success.

I Am OK, I Promise!

So if you could hear the the two phone calls and subsequent voice messages I received from my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law this evening, you would swear that I had another miscarriage. I love them both dearly but I knew they would be calling and sound like this. You know how it goes... I'm so sorry, I don't know how you must be feeling right now, I know this is so hard... etc. I am not making light of this. I know they truly. I didn't answer because I was quite happy enjoying a nice relaxing bubble bath with a new book and I didn't feel like trying to convince yet another person that I AM OK. I'm not going to hurl myself off a cliff, I'm not sobbing in bed with the covers pulled over my head, I am not devastated.

I appreciate all of the kind words and the empathetic responses over the last day or so. I know that I have family and friends who really care about me. But sometimes its frustrating when I tell them I'm ok that I get the look of I don't really believe you.

I think that for the people who have not seen me in the last month it is harder for them to understand. Since the miscarriage in August I have been a mess. I am willing to bet that I was battling some depression. The holidays were rough on me. But over the last month something has changed. I don't know if it is the acupuncture or if it is just time passing, but I can think about the miscarriage and not get angry or sad about where I should be in a pregnancy that I didn't get to have; I can enjoy talking to my friends who are pregnant and hear about what they are going through without starting to think of what I didn't get to have and feel all sad and sorry for myself. I don't feel like I'm getting left behind. I have faith that this will happen for us.

So now that I've gotten all "zen" on you, you have to promise not to roll your eyes at me or think I've lost my mind if I go wonky in a week or so.

Totally Re-Thinking This Sharing Thing

So today has me really re-thinking this whole sharing with the family what's going on. This cycle was the first one that the parents and SIL knew the timing of things and when we would find out. I know they care, but I just hated having to have those conversations and hear how sorry everybody is and how they thought for sure it would work. Yeah me too. I'm kind of over dwelling on it and I'm working really hard on not having a pity party about it. Actually even contemplating telling the fam that we are going to take the next month or so off so that way we're off the hook for giving status updates. For some reason I don't mind telling my friends, maybe its the fact that I can deliver the message through here or via text messages and emails. I don't have to hear the sad disappointed tone in their voices or the attempt at sympathy. Or maybe its the fact that they give me a little space and they wait for me to come to them rather than call me for the update.

Yes it sucks. Yes I agree, its hard to believe that it didn't work. Yes we're going to keep trying (seriously that was a question). Can I please move on with my life now?

I guess I'm just annoyed at the situation - I was super disappointed to get a negative, but when I get a phone call about it I have to relieve the disappointment and discuss how much it sucks over and over again. Its enough to drive a girl crazy! Just get me my clomid and let's move on already!

January results

Big huge fat colossal negative. Guess the boobs hurting like they've never hurt before didn't mean anything, guess the fact that I've been super tired all week didn't mean anything, and I guess the fact that I couldn't stomach the idea of eating hamburgers didn't mean anything either.

I am ok. Part of me suspected this was going to happen, and I think when we do eventually get a big fat positive I will be genuinely shocked.

So I am going to start running again and I'm going to drink myself silly at the Super Bowl party on Sunday. Go Cards!

And now we wait for Aunt Flo to rear her ugly head and make that cd1 call - will it please hurry up!?

Apparently It Was Just My Eyes

So my post last week about seeing lines... apparently it was just my eyes. I used the last of my "+/-" tests on Saturday morning (which I still thought I could see a very very faint blue line, btw). So during our errands dh and I were out and about and stopped at Walgreens, we purchased the digital "word" tests, same brand (Clearblue) as the "+/-" since they were on sale. The digital package of 3 was actually cheaper than the nondigital pac of 3. Bizarre right? Well I've confirmed why I had the digital tests. Even though its very clear on what the result is, its so damn clear it sucks. Tested Sunday morning and got a Big Fat Not Pregnant. Booo, hiss... I don't like that answer. Dh had to talk me down off the ledge and tell me let's not get too worked up until Tuesday. There's a reason the RE's office says test on 14dpiui and not 11, 12, or 13 dp.

I am praying that there is still a chance that I'm a late bloomer and implantation just happened at the end of the week. But I can't quite get that nagging little voice in the back of my head to shut up. It keeps saying "just move on, give up on it already, if it was negative on Sunday, its going negative on Tuesday". Arrrggghhh! I'm trying so hard to stay positive but I'm starting to believe that it didn't work. Unfortunately because of the progesterone that I'm on AF won't show up until I stop it. Part of me wishes I could just have a "normal" cycle of clomid and IUI without the progesterone screwing with things. At least then I'd know if these "symptoms" I keep getting are due to progesterone or actually maybe being pregnant.

Speaking of these so called symptoms - my boobs have been hurting like they've never hurt before. I apologize for sharing too much info, but OMG they have never hurt like this for this long before. I take my bra off at night and it feels like I have 500lbs hanging from them and they're super super sensitive too. Then on Saturday I went to lunch and ordered a cheeseburger with avocado on it. Normally this is my favorite indulgence food but this time I took one bite and immediately felt nauseated and could eat any more of it. Just the thought of it made me quesy. But yet I was able to eat my fries - no ketchup tho, that wasn't tasting too hot either. So to me this says that just maybe things could have worked. I had my hopes up on Saturday but like I said earlier Sunday's test results said BFN.

I am very proud to say that I have one test left and I didn't use it this morning. I am waiting until tomorrow morning, or maybe even Wednesday (yeah I'm tempted to push this party out a little bit longer than 14 days). Part of me just wants to delay the inevitable BFN and subsequent depressive crash and having to tell people that its a no go again, and part of me is being hopeful that if I give it a little more time there'll be a better chance that there'll be more hcg in the system for a positive. I gotta say though, if it is negative I'm going to be pissed, especially since the last couple of days I have been miserable due to above mentioned symptoms.

Testing... Testing... Is that a line or is it my eyes?

So I've broken down and I only made it until this morning. Yup, I tested. I'm not going to share results just yet, mostly because I'm not really positive exactly what the result was. I switched to one of the "+/-" tests. You know the ones where you strain your eyes until they tear up just to see if a vertical line appeared? Normally I use what one of my friends calls the "word ones". The last two cycles I did that's what I used since those were what gave me a "Pregnant" result back in August. I've decided that 1) those are a little more expensive, not ridiculously, but hey if I'm buying quantity I want to get more for my $$, and 2) those tests are just not that fun to take. Its so absolute. So NOT PREGNANT, and there's no hope of even trying to pretend like it could be a yes.

So back to my experiences with "+/-" testing. I decided very early this morning at 5:30am** (yes I know that is an obscene hour to be awake at) that somebody needs to come up with a new type of test. I would like to put a request into anybody who reads this who works for a drug or lab company or know somebody who does. I think there needs to be a home-blood test. You know, kindof like the diabetes test that people prick their finger to get their sugar levels. I don't see why this wouldn't work for testing for hcg. I just would so love to know is there absolutely any hcg in my system?? I guess if I knew the levels were over 5 but might just be under 25 (cause most tests don't pick up less than that) that there is hope.

I don't want to pee on sticks anymore, I want somebody to take my blood and give me a definitive answer. Even though interpreting lines is sooo much fun, I would much prefer a quantitative answer that I understand.




**Ok I just had to share this because I hope somebody out there will sympathize or at least get a kick out of it - I actually considered waking my husband up to tell me what he thought if there was a line or not. Then I realized that if I did that it would be a moot point since he would probably strangle me for waking him up at 5:30am when he got home from work at 2am. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow morning when I can wake him up and survive it so I can get a second opinion.

What does it mean?

Ok - I can do this, I just need to make it until Sunday, maybe Saturday, no wait... Sunday. I have never been so hyper aware of the twinges and aches that happen in my body. I have no idea if these are normal for me (I never used to pay attention like this) or if they're a side effect of the drugs or if it might just mean that I could finally get what I've been wanting.


Its now been 7 days since we did our little procedure. The last few days I've been getting twinges that sometimes feel kindof like ovulation pains and then other times they're a little more centrally located and I have a passing hope that it means implantation! Or maybe I just have gas... (sorry, that was without warning)

I've had similar symptoms the last few months so I'm inclined to believe that these have been happening all the time, I just haven't been paying attention or that its just due to the drugs. Sucky!


Anybody having the same kind of things happen? I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but let's be honest here, my hopes are waaaay up high right now.

I am so ready for this (not that I wasn't ready before), I've had the worst case of "nesting" the last two weekends. I have been methodically working through the various parts of our house dragging everything out of closets and deciding what needs to get donated, thrown out, or reorganized. The closet of our office, which is the chosen room if and when we have a child would be the bedroom, has been completely cleaned out. I am organized and I am ready.

One Down, One To Go

Well as of today Week One of the TWW is ending. Tomorrow starts Week Two and in my opinion the hardest of the two weeks. I am absolutely the worst at waiting until my "real" test date. The last two cycles I've tested early. The upside is that from one cycle to the next I've used less hpt's, much to my husband's relief, since those suckers are expensive. My goal this time is to wait as long as possible and not waste any by doing a test at night or something silly like that. As long as possible means Saturday morning. Which in reality is the soonest that the hpt's say you can test. (My official test date is next Tuesday, 1/27). If I could just hold out to Sunday though I might only have to buy one package of tests!

Does anybody else have this issue of not being able to wait the whole time? I have a friend who is so disciplined. I think my problem is that I see posts from people where they've gotten their positives at 10dpo and there are websites that say even as early as 8dpo there could be detectable levels. I know its a waste of money but its so hard to wait!