Status update

Firstly, I would like to apologize for the pathetic excuse for a title that this post has. I've been feeling less than inspired about how to post our results for December, month 26 in the TTC roller coaster that I'm on.

Tested on Dec. 29th, BFN, even tested Dec. 30th just to be sure and that was a BFN as well. So here we go, yet again.

Dh and I have discussed in length about what we want to do next. I have been having a real mental block about making the leap into truly assisted conception. I guess I was really hoping that since we had that fluke and brief successful conception in July/August that we would be able to do it again. It seems that's not the case. I know its only been two cycles on Clomid and I shouldn't freak out yet because there's still a chance. The problem is that it hasn't just been over a year and we're just starting on with Clomid. Its been just over two years and a miscarriage and I'm having a very hard time accepting that this month didn't work. We timed everything so perfectly. I know - I should know better than to expect it to work right away right? But anyways, we've talked and we've decided that we're probably going to move onto doing IUI this cycle. It isn't covered by our insurance so I'm not sure if it doesn't work the first time if we'll be able to do it a second time right away. We're looking at the range of $800-$1,000, not exactly change we have lying around. But we shall see.

Just wanted to post so in case there was anybody checking this over the last two weeks, I didn't want you to get your hopes up that the reason I had gone silent was because of something good. Just a very uninspired infertile over here.

The Theory of Exercise

Many studies have shown that exercise is proven to reduce stress levels and make you feel better. I never really understood this because generally speaking I have had pretty low stress, well nothing that I haven't been able to cope with by doing a little bitching here and there, and generally speaking I have always felt "good".

With being put on the infertility bandwagon and while watching life around me continue I've become stressed. Extremely stressed and I can't deal with it by bitching. Mostly because nobody I bitch to really gets it, and I don't want to be that girl that constantly bitches. I've also felt like crap - all of the things I've been putting into my body have not done wonders for my overall well being.

I have recently (in the past three months or so) discovered running. I used to hate running, with every fiber of my being - hated running. Now I'm really starting to enjoy it. I think I'm starting to get it. Here's my theory:

People who run are stressed. They run, not because they are "running away", but because running is an extremely taxing activity that nobody in their right mind truly enjoys* and while you're doing it you really can't think about anything else except the things that are happening right in front of you and concentrating on putting one foot in front of another and trying to get through that next minute. Its survivial. When you're trying to survive you don't have time to obsess about anything that is stressing you, whether that's work, family, or trying to create a family, its just you, your feet, and trying to ignore the little voice in your head that's saying "its ok if you stop now".

I could extend that theory to exercise and working out in general. I have been working out with my trainer since May or June(ish). Those three nights a week where I'm getting my ass kicked gives me at least a half hour and then about another 20 minutes afterwards where I'm thinking about nothing but how much my butt hurts or how tired I am. Again surviving. And if you're exercising and you're still feeling stressed - obviously you're not working hard enough because you can still think straight. After a particularly hard work out - I can barely walk and comprehend how to get home, nevermind think about anything important. It goes a little something like this: MUST.GO.HOME... NEED. FOOD.COUCH... NOW.... The last thing on my mind is all my troubles with starting a family and the minor things at work. Its fantastically freeing.

So that's my theory for today. The reason why we sadistically torture ourselves with things like running is because it makes us feel better. And the reason why it makes us feel better is because it returns us to the very core of ourselves where nothing else matters except the most basic things.

Surviving an exercise routine is saving my mind.




*refer to my first sentence of this paragraph - people who run are stressed and hence aren't fully in their right minds anyways.

TV Show Producers have Baby Brain too!

Last night I had some time to sit down and catch up on some of my tv shows that I've got recorded on my DVR (Tivo essentially). Apparently what ever is in the water is not just restricted to real life. The baby water is in tv land too! Brothers & Sisters - trying to adopt because of not able to get pregnant from fertility treatments (ongoing storyline for about a year so not new), but introduced a new crisis when it was revealed that one of the brother's donated his sperm to use so his other brother and wife could have a baby since the bro had busted sperm... ok... then Private Practice - has babies all over the place due to the main character being a double board certified prenatal surgeon, blah, blah... but just watched an episode where a couple couldn't get pregnant so were trying to adopt along with another lady who wanted invitro done so she could have a baby. And then - just to top it off, Lipstick Jungle - one of the characters is doing fertility treatments because she wants to freeze her eggs so she has options in the future.



While the overarching theme of babies in all tv shows lately doesn't really bother me to watch, it does make me wonder what the heck is going on. Would I notice this commonality if this wasn't such a topic du jour for me? Now the odds that if you are reading this blog you probably have baby brain too... but if for some reason out there you don't - have you noticed this too? Maybe its just the types of shows I watch. Just waiting for Heroes to have some baby drama pop up - I'm waaaay behind on that one so I have three prospective episodes where this could be very likely!



Has anybody noticed this trend??

TWW

Now officially into the two week wait. I found myself today overanalyzing some tugs and pains that were probably just related to my not so healthy diet that I've been on for the last few days. (cupcake for breakfast, etc). But I found myself in the back of my mind wondering what they were. We had our trigger shot on Saturday morning and I had a positve opk that morning as well. The strange thing though is that I haven't felt anything close to the ovulation pain that I felt last time. Last time I thought my ovary was exploding and I was completely miserable for hours. This time... had a pain that woke me up at about 3 am Monday morning but that didn't last very long and since then there's been nothing much. Had a little discomfort, if you could even describe it as that, today which got me thinking and searching google. I wish there was a firm way to determine when I ovulated. We didn't follow doctor's orders to a point this time. We were told to do it Sunday and Monday. Instead we did it Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Last time we did it on the prescribed days but it was clearly after when I had ovulated. I so hope we didn't screw it up again this time.

There's not much we can do about it anymore. We'll just have to wait and see. Test day is scheduled for 12/29. Hopefully I can keep myself relatively distracted until then.

Infertility Diaries

In one of my posts I mentioned this blog that I keep reading that is on Redbook.com. Its called the Infertility Diaries. The authors have been individuals who are dealing with infertility and is a way for them to share their experience and for others to find support in their own infertility situation. I started following the blog back in May/June timeframe. There were two other authors who had just gotten pregnant. They continued to blog through their first trimester. I didn't have a problem with any of the posts because alot of it was still related to being an infertile who had just gotten pregnant. They blogged about the concerns and the issues that they were still confronting. But once they reached the end of the first trimester they stopped blogging.

Over the last two months or so there has been a new blogger. She has been trying officially since January 2008. She was able to get pregnant on her second round of IUI, with twins nonetheless! That is fantastic and its great news for her. There's some controversy going on with the readers right now. The writer has been blogging about her pregnancy symptoms, how she's getting morning sickness, and her boobs are acting funky, etc. A reader posted a comment that basically said I'm an infertile and your blogging is making me sad. In response the blogger wrote I'm sorry that I'm making you sad, I'm going to be blogging through the first trimester so if my normal posts bother you so much you should only read on Wednesdays when I have posts from a doctor answering your questions... and here's some other infertility blogs you can follow. (I'm heavily summarizing here....)

I have some mixed feelings about what's being posted. I have no problem with her continuing to blog but I am in agreement that I don't visit the Infertility Diaries to read about somebody's pregnancy symptoms which just reminds me that I am not lucky enough to have experienced those yet. I do have a problem with the fact that she works for Redbook.com and she posted the response that I mentioned above. I think the fact that she works for the magazine puts an added responsibility to how she is writing - she's getting paid to do this while the other bloggers were not part of the magazine publishing world. I also think a big issue with alot of the readers is they just don't identify with her. Many of us have been struggling to become pregnant for well over a year. Myself its been since Oct 2006, so 2 years, 2 months... I think readers are having a hard time identifying with her due to the short length of trying and the quick success.

I've got the link to the blog on here under my list of blogs that I follow. I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on what is going on with the blog.

Doc visit

Had my doctor's visit this morning for a mid-cycle ultrasound to see what was cooking. My ovaries are obviously not super responsive to clomid as I yet again have only one mature follicle. This time its bigger than before though - 26mm. Got my shot again this morning - I think I could do it myself now b/c that sucker doesn't hurt at all. Slight pin prick from the needle but then nothing. So that's an up thing b/c if this cycle doesn't work we're most likely going to move onto something injectible with IUI. I'm a little bummed that I won't get to test until the 27th though. Was hoping that we could have timed it that I should be testing over the weekend and then test early on the 25th. But hey can't be too picky right?

I know I have a wonderful dh, but last night that was reconfirmed b/c when I got home from work he had it all planned out to make me dinner, he bought me two dozen!! red and white roses and had them in our bedroom. Totally made things all romantic. I'm really happy that our target "doing it" dates are over a weekend - maybe then we can actually enjoy things rather than running home on lunch breaks.

I'm a little confused

So I follow this awfully written blog on Redbook.com, the Infertility Diaries. Which ironically current has a pregnant woman blogging. I mean don't get me wrong - good for her, and isn't that the ultimate goal for all of us? But once you get pregnant on "The Infertility Diaries", in my opinion - you're done. I don't care about your morning sickness or the fact that you got twins off of clomid and IUI.

But I digress....

So on this silly blog/website that I for some reason am drawn to check even though every time I do I can't believe this lady works for a magazine... sorry... need to focus.... on this website she does this thing where women can post their infertility questions and she has her RE doctor friend answer the questions. I asked a question about the effectiveness of clomid and whether it was worth it to do another cycle or if we should just move onto IUI. The reason I ask this question is because with our first cycle we only got one follicle and I was under the impression that clomid=more follicles.
Apparently that's not the case.
The answer I got back was this:

Most cycles of Clomid produce one egg; some two, and more than that is less frequent. Even one Clomid follicle can improve your chances by making your timing more accurate and improving your progesterone level.

W.T.F?

Let me review really quickly... from what I can tell ovulation is not my issue. But I seem to be on a drug that is for ovulation. Something is wrong with this picture... I'm guessing that this is the best way for them to monitor my cycle and for us to time things really well, but to be honest I think we could probably do that without the drugs that make me a crazylady. *sigh*

Well at least I know now that there really isn't much to be disappointed when only one follicle develops - now I know that's normal. Would have been good to know that earlier...

Which brings me back to the Infertility Diaries... she got five follicles - how does that work?? All the women I know who have used clomid (which granted is not alot, only four) have only gotten one follicle and a bunch of craziness as a result. Is there any real people out there who have had better results?

About the last few days....

I have to say that the last few days have not been good. Not for any particular reason, and not because anything newly bad happened. I am blaming the clomid. I took my last dose on Sunday so apparently five days of dosage really kicks up the amp on the side effects. I've been up and down on an emotional rollercoaster for two days now. I finally clued into it yesterday afternoon when I started paying attention to my moods and what could possibly be causing me to be so completely in the dumps and then to be perfectly happy a few hours later. Not cool, not cool at all. So I have to apologize for yesterdays post - it came out of a place of where I was feeling very very low and I have to believe that most of that low came from chemicals that were capitalizing on some fringe feelings. I am very happy to say that today I have yet to swing into crazytown. So if you were worried please be assured I have regained sanity! I have high hopes that it will stay that way, at least for a few days. :)

On another note - as I was walking back from the bathroom this morning with my negative opk in hand it struck me as bizarre/intersting/funny at the things that need to be done that I never thought was part of the baby making process. I mean really... its come to this: blocking off time in my work calendar so I can run home and do a little mattress mambo with dh, and looking through my calendar for the rest of the week to make sure I had the time blocked off; and then hanging out in a bathroom stall for 3-4 minutes while I wait for the stick I just peed on (ovulation predictor) to tell me what I already know.

(I have to do opk's this week until Saturday when we go in for our mid-cycle ultrasound. Since I have to take the test between 9-10am I figured, well I guess I'll just bring the whole box into work and leave it in my desk. Of all the personal items I keep in my desk, I never thought opk's would be one of them.)

No wonder women who don't have to try hard think infertiles are a little wackadoo. The obsessions with peeing on a stick at various times of the month and analyzing every single cramp and gas bubble along with the drugs that make you think you're loosing your mind anyways, I would think I'm a little wackadoo myself. Just have to keep reminding myself that it is all worth it and it will be good memories once its all over.

Words I Currently Hate

Pregnant
Pregnancy
Maternity
Baby
Due Date

I think you get the drift. Maybe I'm just tired from not sleeping very well, but most likely I think I'm just starting to feel the stress of being infertile. I have so many people around me who are so supportive and willing to listen to me, but I feel incredibly alone in this situation. I'm just having a bad day - but I just feel lately like "why bother? its not going to work anyways". I kind of want to go back to not doing the drugs or the timing. I was alot less stressed and alot less worried about all of this then.

Baby Boom?

Is it just me or does it seem that everybody is pregnant, working on getting pregnant, or just recently had a baby. Maybe its because the subject is perpetually in the back of my mind, but I swear in the last year there are way more pregnant women around me than there were when we first started trying two years ago. I know about 10 women who are pregnant or just recently gave birth. Everywhere I look on facebook or myspace there's photos of 8wk ultrasounds being posted. Its enough to drive somebody a little off the cliff!

No Fun For You (next weekend)!

So last night was um, disasterous. Thankfully next weekend is the weekend I will need dh fully responsive and in control of his senses. Last night that was definitely not the case. We went out with two of our fellow infertile couples (one of whom is prego due to successful IVF) to the last ASU football game for the year. Obviously the guys had some pent up frustrations that needed to get worked out. And they definitely worked it out through the consumption of large amounts of alcohol. My dh was completely not functioning last night and was pretty much useless all day today.

I had to initiate a little chat with dh about not doing this again next weekend. We have our appointment to do the midcycle ultrasound on Saturday (13th). That'll be cd14 and if things go like they did last time I will probably get my trigger shot that day. We are having a birthday party for dh/holiday party that night. So you see the potential for conflict right? Thankfully Dh has put together a plan and we're goign to try and stick to that and make things as romantic as possible. The part that I'm really happy about (as long as things go our way) is that we'll be doing stuff over a weekend and then maybe on Monday too. dh is working a day shift on Monday so that works out fantastic! If timing was the issue last month and that's what we're currently blaming, we have really high hopes that we'll be able to negate that factor.

So I feel slightly bad about laying down the law on dh's ability to have a great time at his party, but I think he understands that taking these hormones are not a whole lot of fun and there are more important things in life than drinking a ton. He'll have plenty of other nights to do it, right?

Feeling a little apathetic lately

Strangely enough once I talked to the docs on Monday/Tuesday I've kindof lost alot of my interest in anything TTC. Don't really have much to blog about... not really interested in reading the posts on the discussion board that I've been writing on... just not feeling very obsessive at all. Its a wierd feeling. I thought that I would be just as if not more obsessive since this is the second cycle and the first cycle didn't work. But nope.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm hopeful and all that jazz, but just not excited. Maybe its because of the disappointment that this last cycle didn't work. Maybe that was just a really big reality check. There is a very real possibility that this could take us awhile to do. Just because we've got two years under our belts doesn't mean that this won't take longer. Unfortunately its just going to be a wait and see what happens.

I suppose part of it is that what we're doing is nothing new, its the same dance as last time. Part of me is ok with that and hopeful that we'll get better results in terms of follicle counts and part of me is doubtful that we're going to get anything different. I know I should be positive but I find myself slipping more towards being realistic about this really working.

And Again

CD 3. Starting clomid again tonight for the next 5 days. We're doing the same thing as last month. Although I've been purusing the internet (what's new right?) and I found some rather interesting information. One is that one of the side effects of clomid is that it causes cervical mucus (sorry if this is TMI for you) to dry up. Well as we all know (don't we?) that cervical mucus(CM) is vital to the ability of the swimmers to make their journey to the promised land. If its not there they have nothing to swim in. *are you following what I'm saying?*

Basically if there isn't any CM to swim in its kind of a moot point of how many follicles get created, especially when you're doing it our way which is the old fashioned way. So along with this information I've found alot of information about women who take Mucinex during their cycle in order to boost the quality of CM.

I'm thinking that this may be something I might try. I haven't exactly cleared it with the docs, but I've determined that its ok to take if you're TTC. Hey - I want all the advantages I can get here! If things don't work for us this time round we're looking at moving to greater levels of assistance which in turn means greater costs (not the max of course) that the insurance doesn't cover.

Moving On...

So Thursday morning (and Friday morning) came and went and both mornings resulted in a big fat negative. Have stopped the progesterone supplements that the doc had me taking since that could suppress AF from showing up. Now just waiting for AF to make her grand appearance. Its disappointing that's for sure, especially when it truely seems like everybody around us is getting pregnant. Thankfully I've got this long weekend to feel sad and process all my feelings. Monday morning I'll pick myself back up again, get back to life, and we'll move forward and try again.

Wait for Thursday, no problem! - Yeah right...

So I'm going a little bonkers, and it seems I don't have enough to keep me fully occupied here at work. I tested again this morning *shame*, I thought I could wait, but I couldn't resist when I read on the box that 90% of pregnancies test positive with this test at this point. Then it came back BFN. What the ****! So been spending my morning trying to find some information out on the web that would make me feel better about not testing postive -2 days to Thursday. Alot of what I found made me feel more anxious. There seems to be tons of women out there who test at 10dpo and get positives! I'm at 13 dpo and still getting negative, somethings gotta be wrong right? Well if you search the internet hard enough you'll find something that suits what you're looking for, right, wrong or indifferent. What I found sounds actually pretty feasible and isn't some random person's website.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/Faqs/When-can-I-expect-a-positive-HPT-if-I-am-pregnant.html

This is perfect! So really I was just being silly testing early and everybody who gets positives early seem to just talk about it more than the rest of the general population who HAS to wait until the day of or after AF is supposed to show up. Whew... this should sustain me until... probably later this afternoon when I find something else to obsess about... gah...

Need some reassurance

So I'm feeling a little freaked out/anxious. On Saturday I started getting some light cramps. Kindof like AF was in town. Not too worried about the cramps initially. Actually a little kind of excited since they could be due to implantation (the timing is right!). I don't ever get cramps before I get AF, I always get the during the first day she's here, I actually have very few PMS symptoms other than mild bloating.

Here's where I'm feeling a little anxious about the whole thing. Last time I had the cramps and the bloating around the same timeframe (probably a day or two later in the cycle). Found out we were pregnant on cd31 and then had the worst cramps ever that afternoon and had subsequent miscarriage begin. So I'm understandably a little concerned that the same thing is going to happen. Not sure if this is something I should call and bug the nurses about. I'm thinking to minimize the risk of sounding completely paranoid I should at least wait until I actually get a positive preg test. But once I do and if I still have cramps - you bet your bottom dollar I'm calling them to find out what these cramps are all about and if I need to be having some concern (esp. after last time).

So keep your fingers crossed, we're into the home stretch! I have a package of 3! hpt's waiting at home. As long as I keep getting crappy sleeps at night and sleep too long in the morning I should have no problem with not testing until Thursday.

Its come to This

So unfortunately for me I just realized that its been 10 days since I got my HCG shot. For those of you familiar with hcg shots and infertility, you know that this means that technically the surge of hcg has probably cleared my system and any remaining hcg (if its there!) is due to being pregnant.

Here's the problem:

1)been told to test in another week which if we were doing this normally would be about the time when I would get AF and would normally poas (pee-on-a-stick).

2)have realized hcg shot has cleared system so technically we could probably test this weekend

3)early testing has issues: if its negative it could be too early to detect natural hcg in my system or if its positive I couldn't trust it b/c there could be residual hcg in my system and give me a false positive.

So you see the issue here? I would just like to say that I am NOT going to test until my dr approved test date. The temptation is there though. So what its come to is I need a refill on my prenatal vitamins - I can't go into a Walgreens because of the temptation to buy a hpt (home pregnancy test). So I have to send dh to go get my prescription. This is sad right? Its like I'm a recovering alcoholic and can't be around anybody drinking b/c I might relapse. I'm have poas withdrawals!

I'll be fine - just have nothing much to do at work right now and this is what I've chosen to think about today. Ugh - why did I count the days on the calendar - I might just have to take it down so I can't count the days anymore!

Because I have nothing else to really focus on right now....

So as I've mentioned previously my dh has gotten this idea in his head that if we do get pregnant we must wait until after we've heard a heartbeat before we tell anybody that we're pregnant (I may have contributed to this line of thinking).

This is something that I was onboard with but lately more and more I really don't know how that's going to work. I mean if we were going to keep this a secret, the last time round would have been the time to do it since we essentially got pregnant unexpectedly (22 months of ttc and no luck is unexpected when it does happen). At that point nobody knew all the gory details except for a few and nobody at all knew what my cycle was.

**just as a backstory on this - last time we found out we were pregnant and then i started bleeding the very next day, so we didn't have a chance to tell ppl happy news with out the bad news at all**

The game has changed since then. People know what's going on... people know my cycle... and they know when we'll know if things worked or not. I mean we can choose not to make a confirmation of anything, but the lack of denial will pretty much confirm things. I"m not about to lie to my friends and say no it was negative when it was really positive just to keep a secret a little bit longer. Additionally I've been thinking, say we do actually have success but (god forbid) we have another miscarriage early on... I'm gonna end up telling people (close friends and family) anyways since I'm going to be a huge soppy depressed mess again - and you can't really hide that kind of behavior that well anyways. I feel like I would have wanted to tell them the good happy news rather than "yeah I'm a sad soppy mess because we did get pregnant but we msicarried again" We did that the last time round with half of our friends and family and the poor things didn't know whether to be happy for us that we actually got pregnant finally or sad for us (ultimately they were sad, but they wanted to say it was good we finally had success, like I said, very conflicting directions).

So to round out this random babbling mess, as much as I dream of having the big reveal to our families on Christmas Day when I'm 8 weeks along, I don't think its a reality due to our situation. Like I said - people know and its not exactly like I'm going to avoid talking to them for the next 5 weeks if we do have success. Oh and one more point - there's no guarantees that things will be ok after any point in a pregnancy so I don't think we should use various stages as a firm marker of when we tell people. I'm thinking we don't necessarily have to wait until the heartbeat, but we should just do it when it feels right and if that's earlier than a heartbeat then that's the case.

What would you do?

Just a question

So you would think that the sex you have when you're trying to conceive your child would be at the very least good sex if not some of the best sex you've had with your dh. Without getting too personal, the first night of mandatory sex was good, however the second night was downright miserable and was the last thing either of us wanted to do. Just doesn't seem right ya know?

So on another note, if you have any experience in ttc you've figured out we're in the infamous 2ww (two week wait) window. Surprisingly so far I have not been anxious, nervous, or obsessive. I think the key to that is keeping busy. And to be honest, I think I'm at a point where right now I'm feeling that what will be will be (I'll let you know how that attitude pans out towards the middle of next week). Its hard to believe that its already Thanksgiving time and we'll be testing then. Dh and I have decided not to tell anybody (family included) if we get a positive until at least after we get a heartbeat. I'm starting to feel like if we do have success we'll just wait until Christmas so we can have a great announcement at our family gathering. Obviously there are going to be a few people who have been following this journey who in the lack of any negative news will guess what's up. To be honest I don't care if we tell those ppl (there's just a handful) before we tell our families, but that's just me. Dh has some pretty strong feelings about telling his fam before we tell friends. But I think it will all work itself out as we go (and he sucks at keeping secrets).

Somebody should have mentioned something...

So still in happy/excited mode, just a little sleep deprived, but anyways...

As I mentioned in previous post, got trigger shot on Tuesday with ovulation happening Wednesday afternoon. So early Wed afternoon started getting a little not comfortable feeling in the general vicinity of my left ovary. Ok - no worries, probably ovulating... well over the course of a few hours it got worse and it was not anywhere close to what I normally feel when I ovulate. Plus on top of that I'm bloated and gained 3lbs since that morning. Adding these all together I of course am starting to have a minor panic that omg my ovaries have hyperstimulated or something got blown out. Called the nurses after hours and they said that if it gets worse to go to the er. Not overly helpful in my opinion so I turned to my experts who have blazed this trail ahead of me already.

APPARENTLY the pain is normal. The drugs make ovaries more sensitive and so ovulating is potentially more painful than usual. Umm... shouldn't the docs maybe have mentioned that? I wouldn't have been sitting in bed running through a million scenarios (well actually I could only come up with two) and worried that I had really gotten my body screwed up and our chances of doing anything this month were gone.

So - normal. Normal is good. And by the time we finally went to bed last night at 1am (that's another story) the pain had reduced to an irritation. Its still there today but it just feels like I hurt myself running and strained my hip flexor.

*Sigh* again... wish I had been told to expect this.... I'm sure this is not the last of this type of surprise - we're going into uncharted waters here folks!

Trying on happy and excited again

I'm going to go out on a limb today and be happy and excited. We went to the doctor's yesterday (cd14) for a mid-cycle us. Found one contender at 23mm and two potentials at 13mm each. They gave me my trigger shot there in the office too (so very happy that I didn't have to do it myself!). I've decided that I'm going to allow myself to be excited about the possibilities of this cycle. The timing of this is just so perfect (in my mind). We will be able to test on Thanksgiving Day to find out of it worked. If it does work we will be around 6 weeks right at my husband's birthday so maybe we could hear a heartbeat then (that's the biggie for us, esp. after the miscarriage at 5w4d) and then we would be 8 weeks at Christmas time and we could make the big announcement to our family then!

Oh and the best part of this is that today is our 3rd wedding anniversary. So we could very well conceive our baby on our wedding anniversary. How perfect is that?

So you see why I'm happy and excited and I am just praying that all of this perfect timeline means that it is meant to be this time around. I have realized that I am not going to perish from disappointment and my life isn't going to end, so why not enjoy this and hope for good things to come!

What do you want for Christmas?

So on Sunday we were over at my in-laws celebrating birthdays. Talk turned to plans for Christmas and in turn, what did we want for Christmas. Dh had been talking to his parents about the potential costs of treatments if this round or the next don't work. They offered to give us money for the treatments and the costs. It was very sweet of them. We told them let's wait and see and we should know if this worked before Christmas. On the way home dh and I were talking and realized they essentially offered to give us a baby for Christmas. Its cute I think - mom, dad, we want a baby for Christmas, if you could pay for that - that would be fantastic. :)

Tired

I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking about trying to get pregnant. I'm tired of worrying about what might happen if we do get pregnant and if I will carry to term this time. I'm tired of worrying about how I'm going to feel if this cycle doesn't work. I'm tired of trying to figure out when we're going to have sex this weekend and next while we have family in town. I'm tired of reading the posts in the chat groups and the blogs of the struggles of infertility. I need a happy thing to focus on. I just found out that a friend miscarried her baby at 17weeks. She was two weeks ahead of me when I was pregnant momentarily. Its not fair. You think that once you get a heartbeat then you're good to go, but I had a friend lose her baby at 11 weeks. Then you think well once you get out of the 1st trimester then you're golden, but thats not the case. You never know whats going to happen. I guess I'm truely starting to understand why they call this such a miracle. It seems like its a miracle that somebody can actually get pregnant, and then its a whole other miracle if you can make it through an entire pregnancy. I am tired of how impossible this all seems.

Why can't it be easy for everybody - its not fair. In reading another post I realized that there is more to my life than this, and up until May of this year there was more to my life. I am done worrying about this. I want to be able to talk to my friends about things other than getting pregnant.

Maybe I can't get pregnat because I can spell....

So during the course of me perusing some message boards about ttc I came across a bevy of horribly written posts. Not just gramatically but spelling too. It truly amazes me how bad some people are at spelling sometimes. I mean - seriously - you spelt that word wrong???
My case:

I was on bearth controle and got pregnat, I was trying for 2 yeas befor I ever did get pregnat. If your spost to have ababy you will. My sister in-law has tryed for 5 years and she found out she has to have invetroe.

I don't even know what to say to this... only there are people that can't spell who get to raise children. I know there's more to parenting than spelling but c'mon!?!? (I know, I just lost some heaven credits for this post)

Side Effects

So far have been on Clomid for two days, going to be taking third dosage this evening. Yesterday I was blessed enough to experience just of the wonderful side effects that are possible. My day started out with a headache - I didn't immediately attribute this to the clomid since I do get headaches on occasion, but I've decided in light of the other side effects I'll give clomid the credit. Then while my headache progressed to get worse regardless of the tylenol that I had taken, I started to feel slightly nauseous. Initially chalked that up to the fact taht I had eaten yet but since it persisted after eating and then reappeared later in the evening - clomid gets the credit. Then to top it off, last night dh and I were watching tv, having a nice relaxing evening, and WHAM! out of nowhere it felt like it was 100 degrees in our living room. Dh thought I was losing my mind when I frantically started asking him why it was so hot in here and didn't he feel the blast of heat... yup I got some hot flashes. Not fun in the least. (as a side note: I had to make an apologetic phone call to my mom today to say I was sorry for not taking hot flashes seriously when she had them).

Thankfully I haven't had the moodiness that other women I know have experienced, but hey its only three days in! We've got two more dosages to go Monday & Tuesday night! We'll see how the stress of a work day interacts with being on this wonder-drug.

Day 2

So here's the excitement for the day:

Went to RE today. Got Baseline ultrasound done. I know this isn't an indicator of the number of mature follicles that we'll get with the clomid, but they counted 17 follicles in the right and 14 follicles in the left. The nurse said that was good, they usually look for anything over 10 (total). They took some blood as well, and then I got my drug instructions. I tell you - when the nurse started showing me what I needed to do to mix the medication and then how to give myself the trigger shot, that needle started looking bigger and bigger. I definitely will not be doing that to myself! My mother-in-law used to be a nurse so if the timing permits then I'll be heading over to her house for a shot... otherwise dh will be doing it for me!
Start the clomid tomorrow. Crazy times here we come! They have me taking 100mg/day (2 pills). I wonder is that the normal starting dosage? I'm trying to find out cause three of my friends did clomid and all they got was one egg. To be honest I would be pretty happy if I got two cause then maybe twins... and I am totally ok with that!

The only concerning moment of the day is that I do have cyst on my left ovary. She said that it only measures 10mm x 16mm so its not within the range that they start to get concerned. But it kind of concerns me.... but the show is still going forward so I'm happy about that.

Ok I had to post again

So just in case anybody out there is actually reading this :)

I'm starting Clomid on Friday. So I'm back on Google looking up stuff on Clomid and trigger shots and monitoring it with ultrasounds. I found this most kick ass website. I think its the first website that I've found that isn't some random person's website, is a question and answer, or makes no sense at all.

http://www.dukehealth.org/HealthLibrary/CareGuides/fertility

This is friggin awesome! I guess what I'm really excited about is that they talk about using Clomid along with monitoring ultrasounds, which is what I'm doing. Alot of the stuff on the website is women who have been given Clomid, a pat on the head by their doc, and instructions to come back in three months if not pregnant yet. That's not what I'm doing. But this website has raised some questions for me to ask. One very important question is that it says that there are two regimes that are followed for Clomid - taking it days three through seven or five through nine. If you do days three through seven you get your next ultrasound on day 10.... and the other regime is on day 12... uh... the nurse scheduled me for CD14... so I have made a note on my list of questions to ask to make sure that's right. To be honest I was a little surprised when she scheduled that today anyways and that was just based on second hand TTC knowledge that I've gleaned from my friends who have blazed the Clomid path ahead of me. And to be honest CD11 would be perfect - its a Saturday so I wouldn't to worry about missing work or anything! (You must think that I love work or something, no - I just have a guilt complex about constantly sneaking away from work for 1 1/2 hours (driving time, etc) on a frequent basis)...

So just wanted to share super website of info.. wish me luck tomorrow!

Buckle In Folks!

Here we go! AF made her grand appearance this afternoon (which was completely out of character, but she was also 4 1/2 days late so I guess that's to be expected). Got setup for my baseline ultrasound and my teaching appointment. Apparently it takes about 20 minutes to teach me how to take drugs...
I'm just so damn excited that AF has showed up and we can FINALLY do something productive again.

AF Watch Update

Well Day Four of AF is missing watch is coming to a close... its now 5:40pm. No sign of anything all day. But WAIT! As I was driving home I started getting crampy like feelings in my lower back. Could it be? Could it mean that I might be getting a sign that things are about to change and I won't lose my mind with frustration this week? Or... maybe its just the fact that my trainer had me do a hardcore abs workout yesterday and maybe my muscles are just a teensy bit sore from it?

So feeling pretty damn pessimistic all day about this kind of stuff, crampy feeling started in the late afternoon. Early afternoon felt like I was ovulating - you know that wierd, pull-y type feeling in your lower ab area. Was thinking, of course! I'm all screwed up, but nothing like my normal signs that AF is coming to visit.

(Just pausing to think that I am actually writing about this... god - I need to get a life... but here we go!)

So I think this is fantastic news... I have spotting! yes ladies and gentlemen (in case any men are reading this) Spotting! Not brown but red spotting! Hallelujah!

So the question is... what is CD1? is it today? or is it when AF actually gets in gear and lady products are necessary? I'm leaning towards the latter of the two... 1) b/c my calendar is a little more open on Friday so that will be CD3 to go get an ultrasound done... 2) its the evening and this is just now showing up after absolutely nothing all day. To be honest I'm at the point where I hope that it holds off for one more day so that way CD3 is Saturday and I don't have to worry about missing work. I know - work isn't going anywhere, its just the lame ass excuses that I have to make and the fact that I know that my co-workers are probably wondering what the heck is going on with me (I've been to the doctor alot in the last three months). Thankfully my boss knows about the miscarriage (had to fess up since I was out of work for four days) and even though he has not said anything to me about it (it was all discussed through emails) I think he understands (thankfully he has like four sisters, and three daughters so is surrounded by the female persuasion) and knows better than to push things as long as I get my work done and nobody complains...

Anyways, enough rambling for this evening. I've got to get something done around here!

I'm going to Whine...

I hate waiting... hate it, hate it, hate it! My patience with my cycle is wearing very very thin... going into this weekend all excited and happy that AF was going to show on Saturday and then nothing... nothing yesterday, nothing today. Now before you go getting all excited let me tell you that this cycle was the one where I was in Seattle and there was no way that we could have timed anything. So probability that this is anything but my body being,well, dumb is extremely low. (just in case i did take a hpt this morning and it was negative, just on the wee off chance that maybe, just maybe)

So I know that having a miscarriage or being pregnant has the possibility of changing your cycle. Obviously it seems that it has changed my cycle for the longer... Grr... I had this all planned out in my head already. Saturday: Get period; Monday: Baseline Ultrasound; Then start Clomid. Now just waiting... again... still...

I hate waiting.

A Year (or Two) in Review

My dh and I married November 2005 and our three year wedding anniversary is soon approaching. But October 2008 marks another anniversary that we won't be celebrating, its our second anniversary of TTC. We tossed the birth control at the beginning of October 2006, completely expecting to get pregnant right away. So much so that I had actually started scoping out OB/GYN's, looking for reviews on Maternity wards at hospitals, and had been taking prenatals for three months prior (cause primary care doc said that there's possibility that could get pregnant right away).

I hadn't really thought about how much time had passed until this past week. I was purusing the various blogs that I stalk and one of the bloggers talked about how she thought when she was first TTC that she couldn't even imagine being one of those women who had been doing this for years or going through the procedures that they were doing. But there she is right in the thick of it. http://murgdan.blogspot.com/2008/10/what-i-know-now.html.

I never thought it was going to take us this long. Initially I wasn't overly worried, and too be honest not even sure if I was ready to have a baby so there were a few months at the beginning that I was kindof relieved that nothing had happened, and also thought that it was probably not working cause the years of taking birth control pills took some time to clear my system. But as the months rolled on I didn't get more concerned but passed it off on our work schedules (dh works M-Th 1pm-midnight so we dont' see each other during the week). We figured that our timing just sucked, and I'm sure there were many months that it sucked completely. But after the first year we started to get "serious". I started using the ovulation pee-on-a-stick tests to figure out when I was ovulating. I'm lucky enough that I have a like clock-work cycle - every 30 days and I ovulate right in the middle of it. Ok... so that didn't seem the problem.... I started pushing for dh to go get tested. He resisted and I didn't feel like pressuring him. We passed the months using our excuses and telling ourselves that it would happen when it was meant to happen. But after awhile you start to wonder why isn't this meant to happen to me yet?

Well at about the year & 1/2 mark my best friend, Nicole, who I started this blog with and her hubby started getting tested and finding out not so great results. That started to get my dh and I thinking that maybe we should get things checked at this point. This was really the tipping point for me, because this was when I had two months in a row where I was truly upset (crying) when I got my period.

That was back in June/July of this year. That is when this blog started. That's when I started to get very sensitive to assinine well meaning comments by other people. That's when I acknowledged that maybe we might have a problem at hand. So far things have come back positive. We did get pregnant the month that I had the HSG test. So that tells us and the doc agrees that something obviously changed that month, even though they didn't show that I had any blockages (I only wished that maybe we had done it sooner). Dh's counts came out pretty decent, he's considered marginal on morphology (9%) but based on my research on the internet that is pretty common, and the doc was not very concerned and told me what the internet had already told me. So at this point I'm grateful that the tests have turned out essentially normal.

What I'm worried about now: We were able to get pregnant on our own back in August but miscarried at six weeks. When we start to try again (within the next two weeks or so once Aunt Flo shows up) I'm very scared that it won't work and I don't know how I'll handle that disappointment.

Its one thing to have never had it work yet when you're just trying on your own and you can make up excuses as to why you didn't time it right, blah, blah blah. But once you get doctors involved or you have had a pregnancy (full term or not) I think its harder to accept each failed cycle. (This is just my opinion on how I'm comparing my experiences so Im sure others may feel differently). Right now just thinking about how I might feel after we do clomid this month and have the docs help us with monitoring ultrasounds to have us time our "relations" exactly right and it doesn't work - scares me to the point where I don't want to try it. I keep telling myself just because we're going to do these things doesn't mean that its guaranteed to work...

Just trying to keep my expectations low... very low... so that when it doesn't work I don't have to fall as far.

What would you do?

So I received an invite for a baby shower of one of my friends today. She's not a super close friend (actually is the one that I blogged about previously that likes the taste of her foot - see previous post), but I was planning on going.

However I'm thinking not so much anymore... the invite calls for guests to wear a big baggy shirt 'cause they are going to have fake pregnant bellies for everybody to enjoy!!!! Say what??? I can say maybe at some point its a cute idea but I am definitely not into this.

So I've declined attending. I'm not sure if she even knows what her fertile mertle sisters are planning so I am hesitating to call her and let her know why I won't be there. I feel like I owe her something other than a fake answer of "I'm busy" when I'm really not.What to do? Would you tell her the truth that I just can't fathom having to try and handle a couple of hours wearing a fake pregnant belly after experincing infertility and then miscarrying not even two months ago? Or just "I'm busy"?

Can YOU talk with your foot in your mouth too?

So it still amazes me how easily some people's feet fit into their mouths and they have no idea that they've even done it. Last night I was having dinner at a friend's house who I hadn't seen in awhile. Her and her 6 sisters have an uncanny level of fertility. Essentially they decide - I'm going to be pregnant - and it happens.(BTW - she's currently 7 months prego)

So it came up that my dh and I have been trying for two years now. At the point of the miscarriage it had been 22 months and I said something to that effect. Her and her husband look at each other and he laughs and says 22 months - gosh it takes us like 22 seconds, I wish it would take us 22 months. While I wasn't about to go infertility balistic on them, in my head I was thinking "Really? Did you Really just say that to somebody who hasn't been able to get pregnant for 22 months and then when she finally does she miscarries at 6 weeks?? REALLY???" Then she proceeds to ask me if I know when I'm ovulating (which I look at her, like really are you asking me this?) and proceeds to tell me about how she knows and that b/c of that they know when to do it and then she gets pregnant! Well goody for you!

Then I got the standard pep talk about don't get stressed out cause maybe that can have an effect, and "I believe that everything happens when its supposed to happen and there's a greater plan out there". Ok thank you for the life philosophy, I tend to believe that too, but that's not going to stop me from feeling sucky that my lady business is obviously a little broken or at least doesn't fire on all cylinders and that when I finally did get pregnant it didn't stick!

Like I said - I haven't seen them in awhile, her family is wierdly fertile so they obviously have never had to hear about any of this stuff, and its amazing how people can put their foot in their mouth and then just keep talking like they have no clue.

One Step Forward One Step Out & Do the Hokey Pokey Dance

So when my darling husband (aka dh) and I started on this journey of trying to have children two years ago we told ourselves that we would not get too worked up if it didn't happen right away and we believed that it would happen when it was meant to happen. So there were a few months where I did charting, and I did ovulation tests, but for the most part we just winged it. I had a pretty good idea of when I was ovulating (and recent tests have proven me correct) and so we tried for the most part to time things and see what happens. Well about 18 months in our "it'll happen when its meant to be" attitude got old. We started seeing more people around us experiencing fertility issues and even more (it seemed) getting exactly what we were wanting. That's what prompted us to start seeing a fertility specialist - to figure out if there was anything wrong and then we could make a decision on what we wanted to do going forward.

After the last two months I feel like I'm stuck in a game of the hokey pokey dance - "put your right foot in, take your right foot out, put your right foot in, take your right foot out". We made a huge step forward when we were actually able to conceive. But if you've been reading my previous posts we took a huge step backwards shortly thereafter.

My biggest agnst (outside of having a miscarriage) has been the waiting for my period again so we can try again. Yesterday I felt like I won the lottery and aunt Flo showed up (Sorry for TMI). So that was my step forward, now here for my (multiple) step backwards: I am going on business travel during d13 through d17. Somehow I don't think we're goign to make anythign work this week. For a few crazy moments I considered a few things:

1. Cancel the trip - I didn't really want to go anyways
2. Bring dh with me - Hey! I have frequent flyer miles so it would only cost $50!

But we wouldn't be able to do any kind of treatment or monitoring if I left. So it took about a day but I've resigned myself to the fact that there won't be any actual trying this month - just fun practicing. I suppose that's a good thing, but I was very much looking forward to trying and hopefully success right away again.

So back to what I originally said - maybe its not supposed to happen just yet - maybe next month (when we have our three year anniversary) will be the right time. Sounds like a good time to me!

Waiting...

So very shortly after my last post things progressed nicely and my hormone levels - specifically hcg - went negative. So now we're just waiting... the doc said that if I had anything resembling a period any sooner than three weeks from last Thursday that it was not what we're looking for... so we're about one week down, two to five to go! I am hoping that its more like the two to three week range that something will happen.
All I can say is that last week and probably in the next month I probably haven't been this happy to get a period since I was in college.
In the meantime I haven't been thinking about everything too much. At this point it almost feels like a bad dream. At first when they said it could take four to six weeks before we could try again I was so frustrated and irritated because I wouldn't be able to try again right away. Now that we're in that time frame I'm starting to think that its a blessing in disguise because for the first time in several months I haven't been thinking constantly about monitoring my body and checking ovulation and temperatures and everything. To be honest its a nice break from the efforts of monitoring baby making signs.
I'm in a much more positive place this week than I have been in the last two or three. I'm hopeful that when we are able to try again that it will happen quickly and when it does we will be much more prepared to handle any issues that might happen and my doctor will be better prepared to react.

Setbacks

Since my last post so much has happened. To stick with my analogy, Christmas came, Santa brought exactly what I was wanting, but then the evil Grinch took it away. Basically we found out that we were pregnant but then two days later I started experiencing some complications and was put on bed rest for four days. I've had about four blood draws in the last week and about twice that number in actual needle sticks (but we're getting better at it!). We found out on Thursday last week that I miscarried. Now, as if going through all of the highs and excitements about finding out the good news and then the roller coaster of good news and bad news wasn't enough... now I just found out that we may have to wait almost two more months before we can even legitimately (ie: my body may cooperate) start trying again. I was under the mistaken impression that everything was gone already due to the fact that it was like my monthly friend came last week (sorry for TMI). But apparently that's not the case. The vampires are going to keep taking my blood on a weekly basis until my hcg (the pregnancy hormone) goes negative. But before that goes negative I'll have a visit from a friend (if you catch my drift, I'm trying to keep from sounding too graphic). Then once I get a negative test about FOUR to SIX WEEKS later I should have a normal period and then we get to try again. Anything before that is very unlikely that we would be successful.

I am grateful now to know that we are physically able to do this. Now the task at hand is trying to be patient and let the days go by without thinking about how much time is being "wasted". I am so ready to do this again and see if we can get this to work again. But now we have to wait probably close to two more months before anything can really happen. The upside is that the doctors have said that just because we were able to do it on our own they are still going to work with us and most likely what will happen is they will do a superovulation round with clomid once I get back to normal. So the project is to get me pregnant again and to keep me that way for a beautiful 9 months.

So here's to being patient, not loosing my mind, and keeping my fingers crossed that we can do that at the very least....

Its like waiting for Christmas... nervously

So remember when you were a little kid and when it got to December it was all about how many more big sleeps until Santa came and you would be able to open your presents and get all your new toys? I remember my parents telling me "Only 5 more sleeps until its Christmas!" and it truely felt like those five days would take forever to go by. As I've gotten older time seems to pass by more and more quickly. I started noticing that in college when months and semesters would go by faster than I realized. Now, being in the working world days, weeks, and months fly by and I'm constantly trying to get time back and slow the days down.

Lately I'm starting to feel time like a little kid again in particular aspects of my life. When I'm distracted by work and all the things that need to get done, the day goes by quickly. But when I have a moment to stop and think and maybe even look at a calendar it feels like each day goes by so slowly... We have our follow-up doctor appointment to go over the results of the tests that were done this month on August 21st. That's still 11 long days before we get details on the tests and what we need to do next. From what we've been told everything looks normal. To add to my day countings is that we are getting closer and closer to the end of my cycle and another chance to see if we were successful or not.

Its hard not to resist getting too optimistic too. We've been told that when you do the HSG test there's a greater chance of getting pregnant since the plumbing has been all cleared out. Plus I've been doing my OPK (ovulation predictor kits) this month and we've done a good job at timing it right around the LH surge. So like I said, its hard to ignore all these positive things and try not to hope just a little that this month might be different from all the rest. The worst part of it is though is that we still have five more big sleeps until we can find anything out. And hopefully when those five days are up I will have reason to wait another five days and take a test for some positive results (if you know what I mean)!

So here's to trying to stay positive but not getting your hopes up too high.

The Unfairness

So I know we've all been there, well maybe not all of us, but a lot of us. Wanting a baby and watching all your friends getting one. Well let me tell you. I think most of my friends at least have one, aside from Jenn, my bloggin buddy! But here's the thing. My cousin got married in June. She has made it well known that all she wants is a baby, first thing once they get married. A week after her honeymoon, she emails me about HOW UNFAIR IT IS that some people get pregnant in a week, and some it takes forever...this is 1 week AFTER her honeymoon...are you kidding me! I'm like, hey 18 mos here and still going!

Who would have guessed it when I see my cell phone ringing about an 1/2 hr ago...my cousin calling. Now what else could she be calling me for in the middle of the afternoon. YEP, SHE'S PREGNANT! What crap is that! Are you kidding me! Hell, I couldn't be more excited for her, honestly. But seriously...all I want to do is go home, crawl into a ball and cry and have my husband hold me. But no, Im at work and though Ive already cried here, just 1/2 hr ago...I will be working a very long week and there is no way I can go home. And my husband works nights, so no, he won't be there. So its me and my boys (Dutch and Bob, two beautiful Golden Retrievers!)

I know, Get a Grip and Get Back to Work!

Test #1

So yesterday was my first "real" visit to the fertility doctors and completed my first diagnostic test and hopefully one step closer to determining why my husband and I have not yet been successful in getting pregnant. I was scheduled for an HSG test (aka Hysterosalpingogram if that means anything to you...). Basically they shoot dye up into your lady parts while viewing it on an xray machine to see if there are any abnormalities and to make sure your fallopian tubes are open.
Going into this I was a little nervous. I have three friends who have gone through this test already and have given me a variety of feedback on what to expect. In the test instructions and what to expect it does say that mild discomfort and cramping is to be expected. Info from the friend arena varied from mild discomfort when the dye was going in but that was it all the way to imagine your worst cramps and multiply it by 10. Ok - so not quite sure what to expect. What nobody told me is that there was a possibilty that the set up they put you on actually will tilt so your pelvis is above your head... how's that for trying to maintain any kind of dignity?! Thinking back on it I just laugh because there's nothing else to do with it. Basically its done like a regular pevic exam, but then in order to get they dye to move up into the uterus and into the tubes they tilt you up. So now legs are spread to the world and its up in the air... oh joy... thankfully the doc that was supervising was very very nice and she chatted with me as if I wasn't in this ridiculous and rather embarrassing position with some person hanging out down there.
So back to this potential pain thing - again a little nervous because not sure what to expect... surprise surprise... no pain at all! Not even a little cramping. They kept asking me how I was doing and I wasn't feeling a thing. And I felt fine afterwards too! You have no idea how excited I was that I wasn't in any pain at all. It was my lucky day.
I must say it was very cool to see the dye go in (on the xray screen) and then watch it go into the tubes. Laidies - it does not look like it does in the biology books... the tubes are all twisty turny all over the place and everything looks so tiny! But I am happy to find out that upon initial review there were no tube blockages and everything looks normal. There's further analysis to be done, but it doesn't look like that's the issue.
I will mention that my husband had to drop the boys off for analysis and we are waiting to hear back on the results of that. I won't get into much detail for his sake, but let's just say that he's told me that producing the sample was not the easiest thing he's done lately since he could hear every person walk by the room he was in.
So we have our next followup visit in two weeks so we'll have to wait until then to find out results and get our next marching orders.

SUPER SPERM!!!!

Ever hear of Clomid? Clomid is typically used to help induce ovulation in WOMEN, usually for when we are trying to get prego (my word for Pregnant). Ive actually taken it myself before for 3 months...Clomid has some crazy side effects if you are lucky enough (yea right!). So the first month, I had serious depression for a day. The second month I was just irritable for a good week. The third month, I had *Hot Flashes*. I now know what women feel like going through menopause. Not fun after the first day.

Now here's the funny thing...my husband now has Super Sperm! Or at least we are hoping so. He gets to experience Clomid himself. He's dealt so well with my off the wall moods over the past 8 months and now he gets to experience some of the fun himself. He's take 1/2 pill 1x a day for 25 days, then off for 5 days and start again, a process for 3 months. What are his side effects...well he has occasional sensitivity issues. He's a relatively sensitive guy but now its hit home. He even wanted to cry at Church last week. Well being a man, he shrugged it off.

So I get to start my own Clomid in about 2 weeks (pending my "friend") and all I can say is that it is going to be interesting to have 2 crazy people in the house. Ahh, the pains that we share in to make a baby!

It Should Only Take Two

So...my friend Jenn and I are writing this blog together. We've decided to start a mutual blog as, lucky us, we get to go through Infertility at the same time. So we are introducing ourselves as we begin our fun blogs of the trials and tribulations of making a baby. We will both post individually and like tonight, together.

Jenn and I have been friends since we were 16...so thats 12 years ago. Now that we are both married (I met my husband Chris at their wedding) and ready to start a family, we find that its much harder than you would have ever thought. Some people are lucky, and get there in the first try, others like us, are not so lucky (yet).

I'm (Nicole) about two weeks away from starting my first round of IUI, or Artificial Insemenation. Now that we are getting closer, it is actually scary. Its like we are really starting the process after 18 months of trying and have the potential for a little one within the next month or so. But we are ready to get this show on the road and work on getting pregnant the new fashion way...with the help of an RE, a nurse, a tech and more.

So I just wanted to say hi and let you know my story...more to come...believe me it helps to vent!

First Post

So I first posted on the topic of trying to conceive on my myspace page. It was a very frustrating day and I had to vent alot, hence the need for something quick to access. Since then there have been moments where I need to get things out, but I just don't want to keep using that page for that purpose. So I decided to create my own blog! Cause I know that the world needs one more person's opinion out there on the web. Plus it seems like everybody else is doing it, so why not right? I don't really care if anybody else cares about what I'm thinking, but if there are those out there, please feel free to share your thoughts.

So over the last 18 months my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. To date, we have not exactly been successful. Within the last week we had our first visit to a reproductive medicine specialist (the nice words for infertility). To start with the placement of the satellite office we went to was well... odd... it was right next to a pediatrician's office. I mean really? Really?? Ok - so my initial thought was not "well that's a dumb idea", initially it was well, I guess once you're done in this office you can start going next door for all your kiddie needs... just need to get an OB inthat complex and its a one stop shopping for all stages of your reproductive life. However, after sitting in the waiting room for about 30 minutes (it felt like an hour) and watching about 20 (ok probably only about 5) babies go by I started to think that it probably wasn't the best placement of offices. I mean, we're only in stage one and really haven't been too psycho about the whole bit until the last month or so. I can't imagine some people that I've run into that have been charting and peeing on sticks every month for the last two years and having to sit and watch that all parade past.

Which leads me to another thought that crossed my mind earlier today. Couples, and particularily women who are actually trying to get pregnant get kind of a bad rap for being "obsessive" about the whole thing. I personally believe that I have been so not obsessive its not even funny... I mean I do pay a little attention of when I could possibly get pregnant but I don't announce it to the hubby, I've only taken four pregnancy tests in the last 18 months, I've only actually charted three months of temperatures (intermittently) and only done two months worth of ovulation tests. I would say that's pretty low key, but yet I still get told that I should relax and just enjoy the process... Which up until lately I've been able to ignore that incredibly useless line that is supposed to make me feel better but flops horribly.

Until you've been through this do not tell somebody who is trying to get knocked up to relax. I have yet to hear "Just Relax" from anybody who has actively tried to get pregnant, I hear it from people who haven't started trying all the time though - and they've got lots of stories for me to listen to about how they know people who have been trying for years and then the minute they stop they get pregnant. Really?? I find that hard to believe that all of a sudden after years of trying just relaxing is what does it. Somehow I think there's more to it than that. Granted I'll give it to you that being relaxed is good, but when that's not enough, additional measures sometimes need to be taken.

But back to my original topic that women who are trying to conceive get a bad rap. Now that we've been to a doctor, I have things that I have to do. I have been told specifically by my doctor I need to 1) take my temperature every morning and right it down and 2)take an ovulation predictor test every morning. This is on top of all of the diagnostic tests that are going to be done over the next month or so. So - all the things that people classify as obsessive are things that I have be DIRECTED to do so by my doctor. So I am proud to say I have now become obsessive. :)